VVCD The Turning Alternate 1
by VAPX007
Summary: Expect all new twists as the denizens of that dreaded castle return to your screen! Will Igor get his master to drink blood at last? Will Goosewing finally get the foul fiend? Will Count Duckula finally grow up and get the life he wants to lead? COMPLETE
1. Psycho Transmission

_Disclaimer: I do not own Count Duckula. (Yes, I am VAPX007: stater of the obvious!)_

_A/N: Here I add a third thread of interest to my tapestry of evil ..._

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><p>PSYCHO-TRANSMISSION<p>

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><p><strong>Welcome, dear reader, to Transylvania ... Oh, yes, you are most welcome here indeed! Mwahahaha!<strong>

**Through the moist still air of the quiet Transylvanian village the sounds of maniacal laughter echo from afar!**

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><p>Goosewing shrieked excitedly in the cockpit of his Zeppelin, "Finally, vis zis mein Docktor Von Goosewing patent pending psycho-transmission amplifier, I shall destroy ze foul fiend vonce and fur alles!" Goosewing's teeth glimmered as he grinned at himself in the mirror of his workshop. "Yah, to defeat a wampire, one must first zhink like a wampire! Und vhen I use zhis machine on Count Duckula, zhen, helpless to me he vill be."<p>

Goosewing climbed down the rope ladder from his zeppelin and walked cautiously along the corridors of Castle Duckula, watching his vampirometer. Goosewing had to find Count Duckula before the manservant found Goosewing. The vampire hunter turned the corner and crashed into a solid, mountainous object.

"Ooh." Nanny turned around as he stood back up. "Cheeky."

"Vas ist los?" Goosewing looked up at the monstrosity in a maid's outfit in a shock. "Uh, madam. You haven't seen a wampire 'round here?" He straightened his tie and gripped tightly onto the psycho-transmission amplifier, feeling nervous and sweaty as the huge chicken with her arm in a sling looked blankly down at him. Then he had an idea. 'If I could have the help of this woman, it would greatly improve my chances at getting to Count Duckula.'

"Ahem. I vould like to show you mein transmission unit, mein ... radio. It is most simple to operate, vone just points it at the person and svitches it on like zo."

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><p>Count Duckula was in the kitchen raiding the fridge, too hungry once again to wait for dinner.<p>

"Oo, carrot juice." He grabbed the small bottle and pulled off the top. He took a swig and spat it back out. "That's not c-carrot juice!" He raced to the sink, and began gulping down a copious amount of water. Once he'd recovered from his horror, he turned around. "Igor!" He screamed at the top of his voice.

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><p>Igor appeared shortly from around the door frame.<p>

Count Duckula clenched his fists, balling his fury that Igor had tricked him once again. "That was a cheap trick, Igor. Really low."  
>"Alas, it is true; I am reduced to mediocrity, in my attempts to return my master to his former glory."<br>"Oh, you're so poetic, Igor!" The count groaned, fed up. "That's not getting you out of this one."  
>"Of course not sir." Igor's eyes glimmered with a shard of hope.<p>

But instead, Count Duckula's mind drifted elsewhere. "Hey, have you seen Nanny around today?" Duckula listened; "I don't hear anything breaking."  
>"Well, there is very little left for her to break, sir." Igor, the faithful manservant always obliged his master's topics of conversation.<br>"That's true; except for the portraits, and the cobwebs, and that silly hall of mirrors."  
>"I can't imagine why you let that dreadful man do such a thing."<br>"It seemed like a good idea at the time. But where is Nanny, anyway?"

Igor cursed under his breath. If he couldn't make his master a vampire, couldn't he at least make him a hot-tempered monster? That was why he had replaced the carrot juice with blood. Only when the young master was angry was he at his most savage.

Duckula moved off, his mind set to locating his doting, dotty Nanny. Igor suppressed a sigh, and dutifully followed.

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><p>After about five minutes, Duckula turned a corner and crashed into Nanny. He straightened his beak. "Oh, there you are, Nanny." Nanny didn't turn around. "Nanny? Nanny!"<br>She shook, and turned, "Oh, Duckyboos."

"Dammerunt. Was ist loss mit meine machine ...?"  
>Duckula skirted a bit around Nanny, his eyes widened. "Goosewing!"<br>Goosewing's expression was keen. "Yah, das ist correct, you fiend! Und take zis!" He fired.

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><p>Goosewing zapped Duckula with his new weapon before Igor could get past Nanny in the narrow corridor to protect him.<p>

"Master!" Igor grabbed Duckula before he crumpled to the floor. He was still whole; that was something at least.

"Ugh, what ... happened?" The count was standing back on his feet now.  
>"Your threats are futile, Doctor von Goosewing." Igor growled. "The Duckula's have always been resilient against the slayers. And you have still to deal with me, as yet!"<p>

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><p>Goosewing hesitated. 'Und now, I realise I left mein high quality stake in ze balloon.' He looked back to the vision of Igor and Duckula in front of him.<p>

"Wait a minute! Goosewing?" Duckula said in alarm and stepped forwards towards Goosewing. "What was that thing you hit me with?"  
>Goosewing gulped. He was not willing to take the threat of Igor and Count Duckula unarmed. The vampire hunter dropped the transmitter and ran. "Help! Women, children und me first!"<p>

"No! Wait just a minute!" He heard the vampire yell from behind, and then Count Duckula cried out in pain.

Goosewing raced upstairs and climbed up the rope to his balloon. Once again he had narrowly escaped his enemy.

"Next time I shall get you, Count Duckula." He pushed his fist at the castle as it shrank into the distance. "Next time ... Next time I shall remember to have with me mein stake!" He groaned, rubbing his head. "Goosewing, you may be a genius, but you don't remember everything." He sighed and looked back to the castle. "Why? Why is it that I always come so close to destroying ze foul fiend, und yet, he always escapes me?"

He turned away from the view and set to making himself a cup of coffee.

"Ah well." He sipped the hot drink and settled back to watch the mountains drift by. "You know: you can't win zhem all."

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><p>"Ow, my head." Count Duckula whimpered, rubbing his head, looking up at Igor and Nanny in a daze.<br>"Oh, Duckyboos! Are you alright?"  
>"I'm fine, Nanny!" The count responded urgently, getting up off the floor as fast as he could to prepare himself for escaping Nanny's hug.<p>

Igor approached his master. "Are you quite alright, Milord?"  
>"I think so, Igor." The young master's eyes were slightly defocused. "One thing's for sure: It hasn't affected my appetite." With that he turned on his heel and headed back to the kitchen.<p>

As his master disappeared around the corner Igor spied what his master had tripped on: Goosewing's weapon. He picked it up. "Nanny, what is this?"  
>Nanny nodded knowingly at the device. "That doctor van whats-it called it a radio, Mr. Igor. But I didn't 'ear nothin' when he turned it on."<p>

Igor frowned in thought. Just because it didn't work on Nanny's brain, didn't mean it hadn't worked on the vegetarian vampire's brain. 'Yes,' he reviewed his analysis, 'I do believe this is a delta wave amplifier.' His eyes narrowed. 'But what would it do to a vampire?' He looked up at the corner where the young master had disappeared behind and resolved to find out. If he could turn this somehow to his advantage ... It could almost be too good to be true! Igor grinned evilly.

A vampire hunter's delta waves … Goosewing's conviction, his understanding of the way vampires were … and he was transmitting all this to the young vampire. It was a stroke of good luck. Goosewing, despite his addled way of going about his job and being on the opposite side had just done Igor a great service.

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><p>Igor found Duckula munching away in the kitchen. "Ah. There you are, Milord." He stated.<p>

Duckula, so absorbed in his foraging, jumped and whirled around. "Igor!" He snapped. "I thought I told you to quit sneaking up on me like that!"  
>"I beg Milord's pardon." Igor waited a beat. "One would think after eight hundred years I would have learned not to 'sneak up' on my masters while they are distracted with their feasts."<br>Duckula double-blinked. "How do you mean, Igor?"  
>"Whether it is a fridge or a village maiden, Milord, like your ancestors before you, your attention on your meal is devout." Igor turned and headed back out the door, leaving a stunned look on the young master's face.<p>

As he went down the stairs, Igor chuckled to himself. "Yes, let him think on the similarities and acknowledge them. If my calculations are correct, Von Goosewing's perceptions of vampires will work upon my master's mind while he thinks he is alone and his defences are down." Igor stopped in the basement, looking for a moment at his torture equipment.

Igor moved onwards and to the revivication sarcophagus that the count also used to operate the castle's moving mechanism. "Let us hope Goosewing's gadget works to my favour." Igor sighed tiredly as he ended his journey at the cool racks. He pulled out a bottle and turned to go back to the kitchen.

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><p>The manservant paused at the doorway to the kitchen. "Sir?"<p>

The half-eaten club sandwich was on the table, Duckula watching it from his chair before it.  
>"I doubt it will move without your assistance, Milord." Igor looked back to the green filled sandwich. "I believe it is quite dead."<p>

The young master looked up with a sigh. "What is it, Igor?"  
>"I was just about to ask you that, sir."<br>Duckula frowned in confusion, staring at his meal on the plate. "I'm a vegetarian. I'm nothing like my ancestors."  
>"Not in my way of thinking, sir." Igor inwardly smirked. "Has Milord lost his appetite?"<p>

"No, he certainly has not, Igor, and I know what that is." Duckula pointed accusingly at the bottle.  
>"I thought perhaps Milord would care for a drink with his supper."<br>"You know I don't drink that stuff so you can just put it away, Igor. I'm not interested."  
>"Very well, sir." Igor quietly put the bottle into the door of the fridge. When he turned back, the count had picked his sandwich back up and had taken another determined bite of it.<p>

Igor watched his master eating for a moment. "Milord, it has been a long day. If that will be all, sir, I should like to retire?"  
>Duckula looked up, startled again. "Uhmhmm." He nodded to the manservant before his attention disappeared back into the task of consuming his sandwich.<p>

Igor went down the stairs to his bedroom. "Perhaps tomorrow my master would prove a more malleable mallard." He chuckled to himself. "Now that I have Von Goosewing's assistance in the matter, perhaps together we can put some sense into the young master's head at last."

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><p><strong>And so, dear readers, we leave this dismal place as we began.<strong>

**As the disturbing sound of laughter echoes down the precipice to the peasant folk residing at the bottom of the hill, once more we say:**

**Goodnight out there, whatever you are!**


	2. Screaming in the Darkness

SCREAMING IN THE DARKNESS

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><p><strong>Far away from the Transylvanian Alps, an ancient city greets the night.<strong>

**This is no ordinary city, however; this is Berne, epicentre of Switzerland.**

**Tonight, a feminine scream in the dark does not go unnoticed...**

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><p>The sound of running footsteps on the damp pavement echoed around the walls. "Somebody! Please! Help me!" The young woman's voice sounded through the darkness.<br>"Ham and cheese! Someone is in trouble!" Goosewing jumped out of his chair in the outside eating area of the restaurant and, grabbing instinctively for his weapon, he stumbled through the crowd of chair legs and rushed away after the distress call, his ordered meal promptly forgotten with the sole sublime thought that now occupied his brain: 'It's up to me to save them!'

Goosewing turned the corner and saw the young woman trapped in front of the tall fence at the end of the alleyway. He pulled out his vampireometer and glanced at the indicator before pocketing it again.  
>"Hold it right there, you monster!" He raised his laser stake to his sights and as the vampire turned, he fired.<br>The vampire gave a shriek and a moment later turned into a cloud of dust.

Goosewing lowered the weapon and walked towards the woman. He held out his hand. "Are you alright, miss?"  
>She gasped and took his hand, gripping tightly. "Yes, thank you ... oh, if it hadn't been for you ..."<br>"It's alright now." He squeezed her hand consolingly. "Come, where do you live? I shall escort you home."  
>"I don't even know your name."<br>He grinned at her in a feeling of self worth. "Miss. I am Doctor Von Goosewing, at your service."  
>"Well, I'm very glad to meet you. My name's Claudette." She smiled gratefully back at him for a moment. "I ... I think he was a vampire! Or surely I was just imagining things?"<br>"You are quite correct." Goosewing led Claudette by the hand out of the alleyway. "He was a vampire."  
>"B-but surely those things d-don't exist!"<br>"Oh, believe me." Goosewing frowned in seriousness as they started walking down a street with better lighting. "They do."

Goosewing's mind turned inwards as he looked up to the busy street ahead of them. 'How I wish it were not true ...'

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><p><strong>A few streets away in Berne...<strong>

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><p>Emily raced down the street and turned into an alleyway. She tripped up on the uneven ground. Undefeated, she twisted about and managed to stagger back to a stand.<p>

"No, no! Get away from me you monster!" She screamed, seeing her pursuer turning into the alleyway after her. She spun about and ran again, scrambling up the wire fencing at the end, and climbing up onto the roof of the two story building. The dark silhouette in the alleyway walked to the fire exit stairs and started to climb up.

Emily screamed. She looked around madly, and then pulled a loose tile away from the roof. "Take this!" She flung it at her pursuer. It hit him dead centre and he fell off the stairs onto the ground below. Emily sighed in a moment of relief and then clambered over to the other side of the roof. With some difficulty she managed to get back onto solid ground.

"This guy ... I can't get rid of him." She started to run as fast as she could. "I hide, he finds me ... I'm out of places to disappear to!"

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><p>Emily stopped running and stared around her on the busy street she now found herself on. She took a breath to calm herself. It was the long months with the menace of Ganderak on her tail that had created this nervous tension within her.<p>

A weary Emily watched a confident gander and a shaking swan coming towards her. The gander's tweed suit looked decidedly not like the evening wear of a late night clubber. "Hey, excuse me." She interrupted them as they started to walk past her. "Are you from around here, sir?"  
>"No." The gander hesitated in perfect Austrian, glancing at the woman beside him before looking back to Emily. "Can I help you, miss?"<br>Emily shrugged. "So you travel around a bit then, sir?"  
>"Yes. England, Scotland, Hungary, Transylvania, and Poland I have travelled many places for my work ... why ... even the North Pole." He said with his chest puffed out.<br>"Oh. Now there's a place I haven't thought of going yet! I mean not the North Pole, but ..." Emily raised an eyebrow at the peculiar gander. "Thank you, sir. Have a nice evening. Ma'am." Emily smiled at them and nodded, then she continued up along the street.

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><p>When Emily got to the part where the road started going up a hill she turned and headed down a quieter street. She approached the pub on the next corner and stepped inside.<p>

Several sets of eyes turned to her, raking hungrily over her body as she stepped up to the bartender.  
>"What's a pretty girl like you doin' in a roughneck place like this?"<br>"Hi, I'm looking for ... Moe."  
>"That's me, Moe in the know. What information do you need?"<br>"The whereabouts of ..." She hesitated, looking around the room.

"S'okay, we're all friends in here, ain't we, fellahs?" The whole pub roared in response.  
>"Well, I'm glad to have so many strong men around willing to help me." She turned to face her audience. "Tell me, who's capable of taking on Von Ganderak?" The pub audibly gasped, and all the rowdy men averted their eyes. "Come on! What are you made of?"<p>

Emily clenched her beak, and then shouted. "Come on, you pathetic bunch of vampires, it's just one slayer!" The room was silent back at her. Emily's eyes filled with tears.  
>"Look, girly, I'll tell you this: ain't no vampire gonna go after a slayer. That's the rule, that's what they're there for. You gotta be a nutball to take on a slayer, and you likely ain't gonna be around afterwards to regret it."<br>"But I didn't do anything, and he's after me! Surely there's gotta be some vampire out there ... somewhere who'll stand his ground against Ganderak. I don't care how crazy he is if he can help me!"

"Sure am sorry, Emily." Moe apologised. "There just ain't nobody." He picked up a glass and began polishing it. "But Curly here might be able to help ye out a bit. E's a watcher. E' knows all the vampire hunters and their whereabouts."  
>Emily looked at Curly in worry. "You've gotta be pretty disturbed to have a hobby like that, Curly."<br>Curly snorted. "Ah, so there's no skeletons in your bag of tricks, miss Emily Artisia?"  
>"Go easy on me, Curly Rayne." Emily warned him. "I get a bit peckish now and then." Her beak quirked; "And having Ganderak on my tail certainly builds up an appetite let me tell you."<br>Curly ducked his head sheepishly. "Beg pardon, miss."

"I don't need someone to tell me what I already know." Emily sighed and turned away from Curly. "He's gonna follow me to the ends of the earth."  
>"Unless something chancy happens to him." Curly nodded. "Sorry."<p>

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><p>Emily stared at the polished wood of the bar. Look on the bright side ... at least she was seeing more of the world before she died. Never mind that it was flying past her as she high tailed it ... "I've never been to Transylvania." Emily mentioned suddenly aloud. "Who lives over in those parts?"<p>

Moe gazed at her. "Count Duckula does for a starters." The bartender picked up another glass. "There's another vampire what's been bird-dogged just like you. Then there's ..."  
>"Ain't yeh forgetting, Moe?" Curly interrupted. "How long has he been 'bird-dogged' by old Von Goosewing?"<br>"Uh ..."  
>"Twenty odd years, that's how long!" Curly Rayne exalted. "Cheer up, Emily! If there's anybody you wanna get a tip from, it's that there Duckula. I reckon you should try talking to him about it."<br>Moe coughed politely. "You might wanna also talk to his manservant. I'm sure he helps."

Emily hesitated, feeling suddenly cowed. "Man-manservant?"  
>"Count, he's Count Duckula."<br>"I always thought those pedigree vampires were a bit pathetic." Emily blushed.  
>"Never judge a vampire by his fangs."<br>"Right." Emily nodded knowingly. "Always judge him by his victims." Emily automatically licked her beak. "Hey, Moe, what've you got on tap there?" She asked as she pulled out her purse. "All this stuff about eating is making me peckish."

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><p>Von Ganderak staggered to a stand, looking up at the roof of the house.<p>

"My god." He cursed. "She has escaped me again, that vile vampirical vixen." He cursed at her. "You shall not escape me for always, my little duck." He picked up his vampireometer. He looked at the indicators. No vampire in the vicinity. "No, I am too late!" He took a breath, tucking it into his coat. "But you cannot hide for always, my lovely. And then, you shall be the one that is late." He balled his fists and trekked out of the alleyway.

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><p><strong>And so we leave busy Berne, with growling in the backstreets and caterwauling in the pubs, with a warning to you all...<strong>

**You never know who you'll meet lurking out there in the dark.**

**Goodnight out there … Whatever you are!**


	3. BitterSweet

BITTER-SWEET

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><p><strong>Despair if you must, dear reader, for this is Castle Duckula. Known only to the nearby villagers as ... Castle Duckula.<strong>

** From deep within this massive monumental monstrosity can be heard the sound of the macabre in its purest of forms.**

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><p>Duckula finished the song with a sad sounding note and sat back from the piano-what-sit with a sigh.<br>"Oh, Duckyboos, that was lovely." Nanny told him with all her heart. The poor dear got into such low spirits. Even when he was really good at something he often didn't realise it.  
>"Thank you, Nanny." The boy answered graciously back. Well, if she hadn't trained him proper, then what sort of Nanny was she?<p>

"Well done indeed, Milord." Mr. Igor entered the room in much higher spirits than Duckyboos was at the moment. He was early back from the village today, Nanny noted to herself. "I think you've got it."  
>The master turned his head to look at Igor and address him properly. "Where have you been, Igor?" Duckyboos got off the stool and walked over to Igor. It was the way he did it that told Nanny the lad wasn't happy with his butler. "I've 'gotten' this song for the last ten years!" Ducky crossed his arms. "You're always 'elsewhere', Igor. You've gone shopping or something again, huh?"<br>"We had run out of bread, Milord, so I..."  
>"Igor, is it not rather convenient that you always need to run out to fetch bread just before one of my recitals?"<br>"Oh, it's my fault, Duckyboos." Nanny chipped in as she sat on her chair, "it's my sister Gladys's birthday soon and I've been so busy, so I asked Mr. Igor to fetch my present for her."  
>"The fact is that it is not always just bread, sir. And I do not think you would be too pleased without your hot cocoa tonight." Nanny was almost sure Igor blushed.<p>

The young master turned away from Igor and looked at Nanny for a moment. "Oh? Well then..." Ducky made up his mind about how he should feel about Igor's absence. "In that case I'm going to the kitchen for a snack. Now that you've gone to such lengths to bring fresh bread, let's put it to good use." With that the young master strode off. Nanny knew he was as good as his word when it came to eating, but if he wasn't telling her to come and help him, then Nanny was off free for the moment. Well, he knew very well where the refrigerator was.

Igor came over and looked at Nanny to talk to her. "Nanny, do you notice something unusual about the young master?"  
>"No." Nanny answered. "E' always gets 'imself a snack when e' wants to stop being upset with you, Mr. Igor. Now ... what was I meant to be doing?" She paused for a moment, thinking about what she should be doing now that the music had stopped and it was back to the hum drum routine.<br>"Was it the washing, per chance, Nanny?"  
>"Oh, yes, that's right. I was doing the washing when Duckyboos called me." Nanny stood up to head back to the laundry.<p>

"Nanny!" Igor called.  
>Nanny turned around and came back into the room. "Yes, Mr. Igor?"<br>He pointed to a large white square thing in the room. "Don't forget the washing machine."

"Yes! That's where I'm ... Oh!" Nanny realised that the white square thing was in fact the washing machine and this was where she'd left it. "Silly Nanny, fancy me forgetting." She picked it up and carried it back to the laundry.

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><p>Igor heard the familiar chinking sound of milk and condiment bottles as the fridge door was opened. He walked into the kitchen.<br>He paused at the doorway and cleared his throat. "A snack, milord? At this hour?"  
>Duckula snapped to attention and spun around. "Igor!" He settled himself. "I'm hungry and it's between meals."<br>Igor smiled wanly at the greenery in Duckula's fists. No doubt they would be combined with bread. "Perhaps milord may be interested ...?" Igor moved to the fridge.  
>"If you're going to say what I think you're going to say, Igor, then ..."<br>Igor reached into the fridge door racks and grabbed a jar of other green stuff. "An olive?" He offered the jar to his master. "It is somewhat fashionable I have heard." Igor watched his master sigh in relief.  
>"Thank goodness."<br>Igor cringed at the word but held his tongue as his master moved over to the bench to assemble his snack.

Duckula hesitated with the knife hovering over the butter block. "Yee-uck."  
>"Has Milord lost his appetite?" Igor queried with a nervous thrill in the subliminal war his master was undoubtedly having with Doctor von Goosewing at this very moment. "There are surely other things in the fridge that you may find appealing. Perhaps I can fetch you something from the village?"<br>The young master's back visibly stiffened. "No, there is not, thank you, Igor. Besides anyway, you've already been once today."  
>"Very well, sir." Igor nodded. "Then if there is nothing I can assist you with?"<br>"Yes, Igor." The count sighed. "That'll be all, thank you."

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><p>It was later on, much past dinner and Igor wandered into the kitchen to assist Nanny as she assembled their master's bedtime snack.<br>"I trust what I purchased shall be adequate for your purposes, Nanny?"  
>"No, Mr. Igor, but Gladys will love the box of chocolates you got, thank you."<br>Igor nodded. "What is so entrancing about these that you would wish to give them to her?"  
>"Erm ...?" Nanny struggled with interpreting for a moment.<br>"Why not just a large bar of chocolate?"  
>"Oh, no, I can't give her that." Nanny chuckled. "It's not fancy, is it? Coz' in a box it's all different flavours to choose from, and you never know what taste you'll get just by looking at it." Nanny placed a selection of chocolate biscuits on a plate.<br>"... But they are all considered as chocolate?"  
>"Yes?"<p>

"Nanny?" The master's voice sounded out.

"Oh, dear. Can you please look after this, Mr. Igor?"  
>"Of course."<br>Nanny lumbered off, leaving Igor in attendance.

* * *

><p>Igor put the cocoa and water in the saucepan and onto the stove to simmer for a moment. His mind returned to the Amazonian blood fruit bats as he looked at the plate of biscuits. He recalled how his plans for using bat venom to turn his master back into a proper blood sucking vampire had been thwarted by Nanny's chocolate biscuits. He paused and regarded the gift he had bought down in the village for Nanny to give her sister Gladys. "Mixed chocolates ... flavoured centres ... covered in chocolate ... I wonder ..." Igor looked back to the stove and quickly turned down the temperature. "Best not to make it too hot that it boils ..."<p>

He grinned evilly and snuck over to the fridge. He pulled out the bottle of blood from the door of the fridge. So far it had stayed untouched since its trip from the cellar. He opened the bottle of RH positive and paused for a moment to stir the cocoa again. "Shall we try for just a dash?" He poured about a tablespoonful into the saucepan, stopped up the bottle and then returned it to the fridge. He came back and stirred the mixture again before quietly tipping it into the young master's cup.

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Igor. You've been very helpful today."  
>"I feel myself obliged." Igor intoned as he stepped back and Nanny assembled the cup onto the tray with the bikkies. He watched in a tremour. "Perhaps if I might carry it for you, Nanny? We would not wish for the master's night-time snack to go awry."<br>Nanny chuckled. "Now, now, Mr. Igor, and then what would that leave poor ol' Nanny to do?" She tsked.  
>Igor watched her take up the tray herself.<p>

* * *

><p>The manservant walked along the corridors ahead of Nanny. He knocked on the study room door. "Your refreshments, Milord."<br>"Oh, good. Enter."  
>Igor opened the door and let Nanny into the room.<p>

Nanny set the tray down on the study desk in front of the stack of books that the master was currently going through.  
>"Thank you, Nanny." The count reached through the stacks and took back the mug.<br>Igor watched in breathless anticipation for the young master's usual cognition and horror episode.

It didn't happen.

"Is this a new brand of cocoa, Nanny?"  
>"Erm, it's a new packet, Duckyboos. Igor just fetched it today."<br>"They do tend to alter the ingredients in their recipes from time to time." Igor ventured with false indifference as the vegetarian continued to sip at Igor's haematophagous concoction. "Is it to milord's liking?"  
>Duckula pulled a face. "If it's the same brand and they've changed their flavouring won't changing brands mean getting used to a new flavouring anyway, Igor?"<br>"True, Milord." Igor backpedaled. "That point had escaped my attention."

"Did they mention it on the packet?"  
>"Apparently, sir," Igor avoided answering with a direct lie; "extra vitamins and minerals have been beneficially added for the drinker's health."<br>"Oh. Well, that's alright then. I suppose I'll get used to it." And with that Count Duckula took another sip.

Igor thought it best to change the subject. "What is that, sir?"  
>The young master looked up at him with a broad smile. "Oh, you mean this, Igor?" He raised up the manuscript.<br>"M-music?" Igor stared in horror at the pages filled with lines and inked notes. "Y-you're thinking of learning a new song?"  
>"Per-zacally!" The youngster said in typical disregard for the solemnities of silence.<br>"Oh, no, Milord, please reconsider." Igor implored him. "Think what-."  
>"No, Igor, I'm sick of thinking! I want something to take my mind off things." He gestured to the pages. "This, Igor is the answer and I'm going to start on it right away." With that the count picked up his mug and finished his cocoa with a large gulp. The mallard was out of the room in a flash.<p>

Igor stared at the empty mug. Life with this incarnation of his master was always so bitter-sweet. Why?  
>"E' left his chokkie bikkies, Mr. Igor. E' didn't even so much as look at 'em."<br>That brought a smile to Igor's face. "Yes, Nanny. Apparently the cocoa was sufficient for his lordship's hunger tonight."

The air between them became charged with the ragged sounds of the harpsichord as Duckula sought out the keys for the new tune.  
>Igor raised his hands to his ears in pain. "If you'll excuse me, Nanny. I have just come down with a headache."<br>"Very well, Mr. Igor." Nanny picked up the tray. "You go fetch your ear muffs and I'll get on with the dishes."

* * *

><p><strong>And so we leave as we began, once more with torturous sounds of musical evil ringing in the air. <strong>

**Goodnight out there, whatever you are.**


	4. For Science

_A/N: As requested, I shall endeavour to write in accents for you._

_**Warning**: Things get a little Star Trekky in my head from time to time. Actually why is that a warning? I mean, compared to some of the other stuff in my head you should be thanking Star Trek for being a more sophisticated weapon of self expression._

* * *

><p>FOR SCIENCE ...<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Prepare, dear uninsured reader, for this journey is about to take a terrifying turn into the dangerous unknown!<strong>

* * *

><p>Doctor von Goosewing stood on the pavement cross-checking his vampireometer's readouts. Yes, there was at least one vampire in the old two story house, of that he could be sure. He looked up at the sky and shielded his eyes from the sun. "I have just enough time." He smiled. "You know people who shtay indoors all day; it is not zo good for zheir health." He tied a piece of rope to his ray gun and threw it up into the sky. It arched over and caught in the guttering on the roof.<p>

With the help of the down pipe and the invaluable service of the cracks between the bricks he struggled up onto the roof.

"Und now ..." he hooked his ray gun over his shoulder by the strap "... do not try zhis at home." He lit the wick on the home-made grenade and perched it on the roof, then he stumbled on the sloping roof as he tried to get far enough away from the explosion.

He shielded himself from the blast with the help of the chimney, but then he felt the roof give way from underneath his feet. He shrieked.

* * *

><p>Amidst a flurry of dust Goosewing pulled himself out of the wreckage and checked his vampireometer. No vampires left! "Wunderbar und glockenspiel! I have done it." He exalted.<p>

Goosewing coughed as he staggered out of the ruin. 'That's some ...' "Ah-choo! Ach, mein head." He rubbed his watering eyes. "This morning, you know, I said to myself, I said 'Goosewing, don't forget your hah-' ah-choo!" He sneezed again, "but zhen, you know, I shtill is forgetting to take it I am. Zhen off I go to verk ..." He leaned his laser gun against his white trouser leg and dusted himself off. The particles of dust came off him, surrounding him in a thick cloud.

A car came up to the curb and the passenger window slid down. "Docktor von Gooseving! Zhere you are! You'd better get in."  
>He looked in through the window to see who the driver was that knew his name. "Claudette!" He exclaimed. "Vhat are you doing 'round here? I sought you-."<br>"Docktor Gooseving, just get in ze car!" Claudette squawked at him urgently. "Zis is not a good place to shtop."  
>"Okay zhen ..." He picked up his laser gun and got into the passenger seat. "Claudette, you know, it is not zafe on zhe shtreets; it is getting near zunset ..."<br>"You're zhe one that vaz on zhe street, sank you!" She snapped curtly back as she drove off down the road.  
>"Miss, please. I am quite good at looking after myself-."<br>"Oh, no you're not!" She accelerated faster along the street. "And I am not a miss; I am a docktor!"

They sped along the streets for some time with Claudette in her brooding silence.  
>They turned onto the highway now and Goosewing watched the sun setting through the windows. "Docktor, do you mind telling me vhat is troublingk you?"<br>"Do you know vhat it vas you did back zhere, Docktor Gooseving?"  
>"The wampire nest I deshtroyed, ja?"<br>"Ja! Zhey vere connected to Klaus van der Schvartz!"  
>"... Uh, who?"<br>Claudette hunched over the wheel. "Mr. Schvartz is an extremely influential and important wampire in Berne and he's quite touchy. I've got to get you out of his city before you do anyzhing else zhat will actually make him furiouz enough to chase you down."

'How would you know that Klaus van der Schvartz is a vampire? Unless ...' Goosewing started searching his pockets for his vampireometer. 'Now, I know I had it a minute ago ...'

* * *

><p>Goosewing checked his vampireometer and the indicator swung around to positive. He grabbed his ray gun. "You're a wampire!"<br>"Ve are going 125 Km per hour on zhe highvay! Zhink about this, Docktor von Gooseving! Killing me will only get you killed as vell."  
>Goosewing glanced at the road in front of them, realising she was right. Not to mention he was looking at the metal road barrier and nothing but the distant mountains beyond it. "Ach nein! Look out!"<br>They took in a giddy turn around the mountain which upset his balance and he hit the passenger door with a painful yet reassuring jab in his back. "Uh, could you please shlow down, docktor?"  
>"Not until you calm down and put down your veapon! Is zhat request so utterly unreasonable, docktor?"<br>Goosewing gulped and sat back down in his seat. "No, I guess-."  
>Claudette grabbed his ray gun from his hands and threw it into the back seat.<p>

There was a moment as the car decelerated along the highway. "I haven't hurt you, have I, docktor?"  
>"No ... I don't know vhatever it is you are up to." Goosewing confessed. "But vhatever it is it can't be good."<br>Claudette groaned. "You know there is a technical term for people like you."  
>"I am a wampire hunter."<br>"I was zhinking more along zhe lines of blinker wizion; you won't allow yourself to accept zhat I am trying to zave you."  
>"Zave me?" Goosewing repeated the unreal concept. "But ... you're a wampire."<br>"Let me ask you a qvestion, docktor. Have I hurt you? Have I attacked you vhile we've been in each other's company? Docktor, have I ever attempted to cause you harm?"  
>"No ..."<br>"Good, zince I agree. Now, I have just one more qvestion, Docktor Gooseving. Are you ready for it?"  
>"Well, I can hardly know zhat I am ready for the qvestion until you tell me vhat qvestion zhis is zhat you are goingk to ask me."<br>Claudette was silent for a moment. "You've got a point." She paused. "Zo zhen here is zhe qvestion. Have I had the chance to hurt you?"  
>"Chance?"<br>"You are on your guard from me now, docktor. But vere you on your guard from me zhat night vhen you rescued me?"  
>Goosewing thought about the answer to this, and did not want to answer that he had not been.<p>

Instead he decided to change the topic. "If you are also a wampire zhen vhy did zhat wampire attack you?"  
>"Oh, I have my zheory ..." She paused. "In my glove box. Zhere is zhe answer to zhat qvestion und many more."<br>Goosewing opened up the glove box and found a notebook computer stowed in the compartment. "Vhat did zhat wampire vant wiz your mini computer? You can't even play a CD on it."  
>"No, docktor. My zhesis is on zhat computer: interpolating the wampire psyche. I've been amassing key wampire zocio-shtrata characteriztics and conzumption data for decadez."<br>Goosewing was extremely confused by this. "A wampire that studies wampires?"  
>"Wampire behaviour patterns; ja."<p>

"I have been hijacked by a wampire zwan." Goosewing summarised his current experience. "My reputation will be in tatters."  
>"I sink you place too much of your ego on the views of outsiders wiz whom you do not regularly familiarise yourself. Inshtead vhy not conzider the wirtues you hold onto wizhin yourzelf?"<br>Goosewing cleared his throat. "Zo I zee. You are a pzychiatrist. A wampire pzychiatrist."  
>"I am a docktor of behavioural zcience, ja."<br>"But you are a wampire."  
>Claudette was quiet for a moment, "you know: vhen you play viz fire, it is just a matter of time before you get burnt." She sighed. "Vhich brings me to zhe wery reason zhat I am here trying to zave you."<br>Goosewing blinked. 'Maybe there is something slightly true to this? Like ... the information on that computer. If I can unlock it, I could use it to rid the world of vampires far more easily!' "Zhank you, Clau- docktor, for zaving me."  
>"Zwansonn. You're wery velcome, docktor Gooseving. I'm wery glad we've come to a truce as two rational, reasonable people."<br>"A truce; ja." Goosewing stared at the glove box. 'Now, what are the chances that it is password protected?'

* * *

><p>The car swerved off the roadway and then stopped at a petrol station. Goosewing tensed in his seat. "We are stopping?" Claudette got out and Goosewing rescued his ray gun from the back before jumping out, ready to make Claudette history.<br>"How long do you sink zhat I can survive vizhout drinking blood, docktor von Goosewing?" Claudette asked as she filled the tank.  
>"A few nights? Not every night, alzhough a lot of wampires do."<br>"You're dezcribing ein habit, docktor, like eating chocolate or drinking coffee. But how long can I survive vizhout having it?"  
>"Excuze me but ve are not talking about a harmless zhing like ... coffee."<br>"Ja, das ist zhe zame! You shouldn't drink coffee; it's not good for you. I shouldn't drink blood; it's not good for zhe ozher person! Das ist eine sehr bad habit." She folded her arms across her chest. "I am nicht verrückt: I have statistics to show zhat it is a habit zhat can be broken."  
>"Docktor Zwansonn, I believe you are mizing zhe point here."<br>"Okay, zo vhat do you believe is zhe point, docktor?"  
>"Wampires are demons. Fiends."<br>"Zhat is zpecies dizcrimination." Claudette prodded him verbally. "I am going to go in und pay for zhis. Kommst du auch, docktor?"  
>Goosewing remembered he couldn't shoot her without getting the password for her computer - unless he really needed to.<p>

'For science a little suffering is necessary. So I will just watch her and try and get this password from her.'


	5. Horror My Life

_A/N: Did you think I was gonna keep you hanging out for this one?_

_A/N: To suit my story's demented and mentally twisted contrivances _I have reinvented the packet and the schedule_. For these reasons I can only say that this story is not written exactly to scale._

* * *

><p>HORROR MY LIFE<p>

* * *

><p>Duckula woke up to the silence of his bedroom. The sound of the car engine faded into less than a memory. He yawned. 'No wonder I woke up.' He got up out of bed. 'I'm thirsty.' He dressed himself and then wandered down to the kitchen.<p>

The Count headed to the pantry cupboard and rummaged through it. "Aha!" He quacked happily to himself at his discovery. 'Cocoa.' He licked his parched beak and looked at the box, realising he had no idea on how to make a cup of cocoa for himself. 'There are always instructions on these things ...' He mused as he scanned the label. 'Ingredients: cocoa, sugar ...' He paused in front of the stove. 'That's funny, where's the added vitamins Igor was talking about?' He shrugged and put the box on the sideboard. 'Never mind. Now; it says I can make it with or without milk. Hmm, decisions, decisions ... I'll try it with milk. Goodness knows I'm used to Nanny making it so thick.' He crossed over to the fridge and looked in the door for the milk, grabbed it and closed the door.

Something odd caught his eye as he shut it. "Huh?" Duckula opened the fridge again and studied all the items in the door.  
>With his spare hand he picked up Igor's bottle that had come from the cellar. There certainly was something amiss with it. The bottle was three quarters empty of the vile stuff. "What's happened to the rest of it?"<p>

"You've drunk it, milord."

Duckula jumped at the sound of Igor's voice, his heart beating fast. "Igor ..." He felt his stomach clench painfully. "... What? How?" He finally finished hoarsely as he interpreted what exactly Igor had just said.  
>"In your cocoa, milord."<br>"In my ..." Duckula gasped, "Igor ... you've ... been-spiking ... my-COCOA?" He finished in a scream.

"Yes, milord." Igor replied calmly, a smile creeping up onto his features. "I must say you've taken to it quite well to be wanting another one this late at night."  
>"Igor, that's-." Duckula spluttered. "How-could-you-do-this-to-actually-yes, I can see why you would ..." He blinked. "But I've told you before, Igor: ... I'M-A-VEGETARIAN!" He yelled.<p>

"You are a vampire, milord. It is your heritage, it is your nature, be it a quart of carrot juice or a quart of RH positive." Igor came towards him and took the bottle from his fist. "That I have needed to take such underhanded means to prove it to you is beside the point. The fact remains the case; you, milord are a vampire." Igor passed him by and put the bottle on the sideboard. Duckula watched numbly as his servant reached for the saucepan. "Each night I have added it to your cocoa." The count's manservant said calmly, turning the stove on. "For the last few weeks I am pleased to report-." Igor added water to the saucepan and a spoonful of cocoa. "... You have been drinking blood."  
>"Igor ..." Duckula watched, numb with horror, as Igor then opened the dread bottle and poured what seemed like quite a lot of the contents into the saucepan. "That's ..."<p>

He was still searching for the right word as Igor finished warming it on the stove and then poured the liquid into a cup. "Evil."  
>The manservant turned to him with his offering. "Here you are, milord." Igor presented it to him cheerfully. "Cocoa and RH negative."<br>Duckula stared at the cup. This was what he'd woken up with the craving for. The smell of it was appealing and gave him the inclination to grab it. The mental note that it was mostly blood made him shy away in horror. "Igor. You're making me ... that's blood."  
>"So, milord?" Igor blinked back at him. "It is good for you, sir. Your health has improved markedly since you've been taking it." Igor smiled.<p>

* * *

><p>"Your cocoa is getting cold, sir."<br>'Yuck; not cold!' With the threat of lukewarmness Duckula grabbed it and quickly drank it, gulping it down quickly. He looked up from his dredged cup and felt himself blush, not just at acknowledging his impulsive reaction but from the look on Igor's face which really said it all. "You don't have to be so smug about it, Igor!" He snapped in embarrassment. "It doesn't taste nice cold and I came down here thirsty."  
>Igor took the cup from him. "I do apologise, milord. I only wished that it had crossed my mind to warm it up for you before. All my previous attempts were to steer you in the direction of something already warm." Igor hesitated, "perhaps now you ..."<br>"No, Igor!"  
>"Master, I feel I must point out that-."<br>"No, no and no!" Duckula insisted, "I am not interested in harming any poor helpless village maidens! It's not fair." He pointed at Igor. "And it's definitely not right. That's final, end of discussion, case closed, dismissed, finite, and period. No way-ever! Have I made myself perfectly clear, Igor?"

"Yes, milord." Igor answered despondently.  
>"Go-ood!" Duckula pronounced in conclusion of the argument. "I shall retire for the night now. And I don't want to hear anything more on the subject."<br>"As you wish, milord." Igor sighed. "No helpless maidens."

"Goodnight, Igor!" Count Duckula turned from Igor and left the kitchen.

* * *

><p>A cool breeze freshened the warm Viennese night. It was three in the morning and the pale fluorescent lights of the transit station did little to warm the sparse population of the outdoor waiting area.<p>

Emily arrived an hour early for her train and put her large carry bag under a chair. Then she hungrily scanned the weary people and spotted a tall stork in a business outfit standing against the wall reading a newspaper. Satisfied her choice was quite alone she steadily eased the gap between her and the handsome young stork.

"Excuse me, sir. Are you waiting for the four o'clock to Budapest?"  
>"No, the three twenty to Praha-huh?" The gentleman looked up and Emily carefully locked her eyes with his, forming a mental connection. His name was Josef Orkenstein heading back home to Praha where his wife and four children were waiting. 'You're very tired, Josef. You're not used to being up this late.'<br>He blinked groggily. "Ungh ... what a long day it's been ..."  
>"You look a bit tired. Perhaps you should take a seat?" The vampire led him over and helped him into a nearby chair. Now she was standing over her entranced subject and that was just perfect. She leaned in towards her stupefied victim and drank for a refreshing moment.<p>

The vampire pulled back with a sigh of relief. "Thank you very much for your help, Josef." She cooed quietly into his ear. She picked up Josef's newspaper and checked the weather page before putting it back on the chair. "Yep, just as I suspected: rain."

Emily stayed with him and shortly heard the train whistling towards them on the tracks. Once it stopped she grabbed Josef's bag and helped the sluggish stork onto the train. She quickly jumped off the train before the doors closed. It was at this point that Emily saw her bag was missing. "Alright, what idiot took my one and only bag containing all my worldly possessions?" She sniffed the air around the scene of the crime. "A petty criminal; what a stroke of luck; I get to have a real meal before my trip."

* * *

><p><strong>As this<strong>** journey through the realm of hair-raising horror is set to continue, dear reader, for the moment it is time to say:**

**Goodnight out there, whatever you are!**


	6. Another Busy Day

_A/N: "Now we get to the important bit, Milord ... you are a vampire." - Igor_

* * *

><p>ANOTHER BUSY DAY<p>

* * *

><p><strong>High on top of a towering peak in Transylvania stands Castle Duckula. It is a forbidding place where evil lies within its darkly depths, waiting to pounce upon the unwitting <strong>visitor<strong>. Yes, even the long winding trek up the hill does not work to dissuade every **traveller**. **

* * *

><p>If the Count wasn't at his latest project, in other words making an incredible racket with that infernal instrument, and he wasn't in the kitchen, then it was likely that Igor would find him reading in the library.<p>

Igor approached the study, hoping perhaps there was some change in his master. He knocked on the door.

"Enter." Duckula looked up from the armchair.

"May I get you anything, milord?"

Count Duckula frowned at Igor "No, I'm fine, thank you, Igor."  
>Igor approached. "Are you certain, milord, that I cannot interest you in a snack?"<br>"No, Igor, I am not interested!" Duckula shut his book and stood up, his beak set in characteristic determination. If he were his father, the expression would have set an ordinary person into mortal terror but on the young master, there was never a threat to carry the look and so he just came off as childishly stubborn. "I am a vegetarian, Igor! It is not 'what'; it is 'who' I am."  
>Igor sighed. "Milord, is there really nothing that I can do or say to persuade-?"<p>

The front door banged.

"I'll get it." Nanny sang out.

Igor heard the familiar crash as Nanny turned the front door into splinters with her rough handling. He followed Duckula out into the hallway.

"It's some travellers, needing a place to stay for the night."  
>"Did you hear that, Igor? We have company!"<br>"Milord, I must point out that this is an excellent opportunity."  
>"For a decent conversation with someone new, Igor? Yes, I would tend to agree with you."<br>"No, milord, I mean ... for a ... a fresh 'warm' meal."  
>"Igor!" Duckula admonished as he went down the stairs to greet the three people standing in the hall. "They're our guests."<p>

"I am Count Duckula." The master introduced himself, "this is my servants Igor, and Nanny whom you've met."

"Hi, Mr. Count, I'm Robert. This is my wife Maria and our son Bobby. Our car broke down-."  
>"That happens a lot around here."<br>"And the locals said you had rooms that we could use for the night."  
>"Sure, I have plenty of rooms." Duckula answered in a grand tone. "You can't go anywhere without going through a room." The master finished. "Nanny, would you please get the guest rooms organised?"<br>"Very good, milord." Nanny grabbed the family's suitcases and lumbered up the stairs.

Igor glanced at his master. Here was a perfect opportunity for him to at last be the vampire he was meant to be. At any point, Duckula might indeed take his chance.  
>"We've never been inside a Transylvanian castle before."<br>"What? Well then, how about I give you guys a tour? It's still a while before Nanny has dinner ready."

Igor noted the pleasant tone in Duckula's voice with a twinge of worry. This, he realised, was going to be a long night.

* * *

><p>Igor helped Nanny to set the table with the vegetarian dishes that his master approved of on the table. There was currently still three guests to attend to.<p>

The child, Bobby, appeared at the dining room door. "There's no meat!" The little wretch grizzled as he critically reviewed the setting.  
>Igor appreciated the child's feeling, but appreciated the chance to return the gibe far more. "There wasn't any meat until you came in, young master Bobby. However you are more on the entrée size. Perhaps if you survived the night you might grow up to make the main course."<br>The child gulped and took a chair, and didn't say anything more.

The parents and Duckula came in shortly afterwards. They sat down and began serving themselves. Igor watched the people pick meagrely at the spread as Duckula took a second serving to silence his vampirical hunger.

* * *

><p>The family had unwittingly walked into a renowned vampire's lair. Igor quietly followed his master as the mallard led them around the castle, walking deftly past the portraits room and to the study, where they began talking about places they'd visited over the globe.<p>

It was a moment and Igor realised the child was missing from this picture. He stepped out of the room and retraced their steps.

Igor stood in the corridor and noticed the door to the portraits room was opened a crack. "I wonder." He grinned to himself and pushed open the door, stepping inside.

"May I help you, young master Bobby?"  
>"I ..." Bobby turned from staring at the portraits of Igor's previous vampire masters. "... Knew there was something funny going on around here!" Bobby pointed accusingly at Igor.<br>"Oh?" Igor responded leisurely in enjoyment. "And what, pray tell, may that be?"  
>Bobby shook his head. His face was pasty as he realised he was alone in this room with Igor. With a sudden spurt of youthful energy the child skirted around Igor and dashed back through the door. "Mummy, mummy!" Igor heard him cry out.<p>

* * *

><p>Igor turned and walked back to the study.<p>

"Calm down, what is it, Bobby?"  
>"I wanna go NOW!"<br>"We can't go now, Bobby, your dad can't get the tyre fixed till the stores open in the morning."  
>"But mummy, there's ..." Igor stepped into the room to see the child staring, silently gaping fearfully up at the count.<br>"What, darling, what's the matter?"  
>"Vampires!" The boy answered in a not so quiet hush.<br>"Certainly not! There are no vampires to worry about here!" Duckula chuckled slightly nervous. "It's just this old castle. It gives people all sorts of ideas. It works on me too. I sometimes get the feeling that there are werewolves lurking about somewhere."  
>"Werewolves?" Bobby shrieked.<br>"It's not real, Bobby." Maria hugged her son. "That's what the count's trying to say."  
>"It's all in your imagination." Robert agreed.<br>"Try to calm down, darling."

The door knocked and Igor quickly opened it so Nanny wouldn't crash through it.  
>"Oh, thank you, Mr. Igor." Nanny had a tray of four mugs and eight biscuits. "Cocoa and chockie bikkies."<br>"Thank you, Nanny."  
>"Yes, thank you very much, miss Nanny."<p>

Igor clenched his teeth as he watched his master help himself to one of the the ordinary cocoa before turning away to continue discussing the weather in certain parts of the world.

* * *

><p>The family retired for the night and Igor found Duckula back in his study.<p>

"Milord."  
>"Yes, Igor?"<br>"Now would be an excellent chance. While they are asleep, milord, it is really a very simple thing. It is excellent practice. Perhaps even for just a nibble?"The door squeaked. Duckula turned to look at the doorway. "Is there a window open around here, Igor?"

Igor listened to the silence in the corridor, realising it was more than likely Bobby, wanting to prove his vampire theory. "Perhaps it is a mouse, milord?" Igor offered, "or perhaps a tempting midnight snack?"  
>Igor heard a sharp breath in the corridor and the child's feet as he scurried back up the corridor to the guest rooms.<br>"I'm fine, Igor, thank you."  
>Igor stood there, glancing between his master and the door. "Sir, that boy-."<br>"That boy, Igor, is not on the menu." Duckula responded with finality. "They are our guests and they're nice people."

"Robert's made me realise that there's a lot more of this world that I haven't explored yet. I mean, we never actually got to Vienna. It sounds like a really nice place ..." As Duckula walked over to the globe in the corner, Igor realised that it was true. His master's conscience was in play.

"Well, what do you think, Igor?"  
>Igor blinked, he had in fact not been listening at all to Duckula's words. "About what, milord?"<br>"About ... you weren't listening to a word I was saying. What are you thinking about, Igor?"  
>"I apologise, milord." Igor deflected, certainly not wanting to communicate his personal horrors. "It has been a busy evening. I am feeling somewhat weary."<p>

"You certainly don't look too well, Igor." Duckula patted his shoulder. "Maybe you'll feel better after a rest?"  
>"Thank you, milord." Igor left the room and headed downstairs.<p>

"Absolutely nothing has changed." The Necromancer realised aloud as he stared at the ritual sarcophagus, thinking to the night Nanny had distracted him with her bumbling interference. "Not a true vegetarian, no ... but he is a vampire with a ..." Igor grimaced. "A conscience."

* * *

><p>The next morning Igor found without much surprise that the family were still very much alive and in no worse for wear. After breakfast Duckula showed them out the door.<p>

As soon as they disappeared from the view of the gaping opening where the rest of the door had stood yesterday, Igor stepped towards his master, incredibly disappointed.

Igor took a deep breath, "milord-."  
>Duckula turned about and desperately grabbed the front of Igor's jacket. There was a maddened look in his eyes that Igor hadn't seen for eight hundred years. "Igor ... I need blood!"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>And so, dear reader, as another night of unspeakable horror ends and we rise to greet a new day be warned. <strong>

**Night is only hours away! Mwahahaha!**


	7. People

_A/N: There are a whole lot worse things out there than bridging scenes. Like blue screens._

* * *

><p>PEOPLE<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Thick clouds gather in the sky, hiding the sun from the morning dew and softening the break of morning.<strong>

* * *

><p>Claudette yawned as she left the motel office, the sky was beginning to lighten despite the cloud cover. She got back into the driver's seat and drove them further into the motel complex.<p>

"I appreciate our mutual distruzt, docktor ... but neizher of us can shtay avake forever."

Goosewing looked up from tinkering with his vampireometer. "Ja, I have sought of zis already." He smiled at her. "My wampireometer vill now be telling me how far away you are."  
>"Oh." Claudette uttered blankly and got out of the car.<br>Goosewing stepped out of the car and stood beside her as she pulled bags out of the boot. "Is zhere a problem, docktor?"  
>"Haz it not crossed yourh mind zhat I may need proteczion from you also, docktor?"<br>"Fhrom me?" Goosewing repeated, slightly startled. "But you are ze wampire."  
>"Ja, aber you have killed more zhings in Berne alone zhan I haff in mein whole life - including as a wampire."<br>"You mean unlife, ja?"  
>Claudette slammed the lid of the boot closed. "I shall shleep in room tventy two." She handed Goosewing a key, "und zhat is ze key to yourh room; number zhirty. Guten morgen, docktor."<p>

* * *

><p>The wind whistled in the silence of the hall.<p>

"Nothing would please me more, milord, than to see you satiated."

Duckula backed away from Igor and hid his face in his hands. "What am I saying?"  
>"Sir, if milord was so famished, then why did you let the travellers go?"<br>"Really! Igor!" Duckula shouted, clearly upset. "How could you be confused?" He gestured at the open door through which Robert, Maria and their son had left only a minute ago. "I would've thought it was so bluntly, plainly, pathetically obvious!"  
>"I fear, milord, I am perhaps not on the same wavelength."<br>"I had to let them go, Igor!"  
>"Why, milord?"<br>"Because it's the right thing to do!"  
>"Yes, sir." Igor acknowledged in disgruntlement without properly understanding the count's predicament. 'The sooner he abandons such a fickle notion the better it will be for him.'<br>"I mean; me wanting ... blo-o-od, indeed! It's ridiculous, I've done fine all my life without the ... the stuff ... that ... that tastes ..." Duckula licked his beak before shaking his head and blinking out of his daze. "The problem is that the idea's stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it!"

"Milord!" Igor scrabbled to recover the situation, "milord, it's not a problem-!"

"Good munin', suh. Cum tah rahplus yah dar, suh?"

Igor looked to see a new visitor at the door.

"Yes, thank you, Maurice. How are you this morning?"  
>"Oh, tip tup, yah lardship. Luvlay weatha we' been havun' latelay."<br>"Yes." Duckula peered past him at the incoming clouds. "Looks like rain later though."  
>"Spot on, suh! Rain's farcarsted for this week cumin'!" Maurice bent down and started rummaging through his tool box.<p>

"Milord," Igor nudged his master quietly and they stepped out of earshot of the tradesman, "milord, this is the best opportunity for you," Igor glanced at Maurice as he started putting the new door in, "he is unsuspecting."  
>"Great, Igor." The count replied scathingly, "only then who would come up here to replace the door?"<br>Igor blinked. "His blood will abate your hunger, milord. This is what you need to-."  
>"I was confused, Igor. I don't really 'need' blood. How else have I gotten by for so long without it?"<br>"Watch him, milord, and perhaps it will come clear to you."

Duckula watched Maurice work for a moment. "No."  
>Igor was at his end. "I really don't know what I can do for you, milord, when you pass up meal after meal."<br>"He's been replacing our front door for twenty years." The young master sighed wistfully. "He's got a proper job, a loving wife and family who need him. I don't want to eat him, Igor, I want to 'be' him."  
>"Perhaps milord may be thinking a touch too hard upon this subject." Igor observed.<br>"I'd be grateful, Igor, if 'this subject' would just leave my head entirely." Duckula sighed. "Rather than dogging me all night through every conversation ... Igor, last night was horrible!"  
>"It would not be so horrible for you, milord, if you would only just give in to your instincts."<br>" 'Give in'?" Duckula rubbed his forehead. "That's what you want me to do."  
>"This notion is clearly troubling you without my assistance in the matter." Igor mentioned in subdued triumph.<br>Duckula stared at Igor. "Alright, Igor, so it's in my head. But I don't want to become some heartless killer. That's much worse than just having the thought plaguing me."  
>"Perhaps, milord ..." Igor hesitated with the idea, "if it is milord's preference ... there is the option ..." he gritted his teeth.<p>

"What is it, Igor?"  
>"Perhaps it is something you should be aware of, milord." Igor sighed, giving in. He would oblige his master anything that would assist him. "If you were only to make the attempt and filled your beak, milord." Duckula licked his beak. "There is no real necessity to kill your victim."<br>"You're kidding me!" Duckula blinked up at him. "You've never told me that!"  
>"No, I have not, but it is quite true, milord." Igor gestured to Maurice, who had nearly finished fitting the door. "You can feed and still allow him to walk free."<br>"Well then, that's an entirely different story ..."  
>Igor watched as Duckula walked slowly towards the tradesman at the door.<p>

'One small bite will be a significant step. One small bite will undoubtedly lead to a larger one ...' Igor watched his master lean in towards the peasant, and then ...

Count Duckula handed him money and shut the door behind him.

Igor slapped his hand to his face. 'Why on earth did I get my hopes up? His confounded conscience won't even let him get as far as a small bite!'  
>"Are you alright, Igor? You don't look so well."<br>Igor looked down to his master standing opposite him again. "I will manage, milord." He collected himself quickly.  
>"I couldn't do it, Igor."<br>"So I gathered, milord. Shall I fetch a bottle from the cellar for you?"  
>"No, Igor." His master said firmly. "I mean I realised standing there that I'm too hungry for just a mouthful, Igor." Count Duckula crossed his arms. "No, Igor, there's only one thing for it."<br>"Indeed, milord?" Igor raised an eyebrow, almost afraid of what solution his master had come up with and how bizarre it might prove. "And what would that be?"  
>"I'll just have to find something that I can eat." Duckula shrugged.<br>"Perhaps some ... one ... that you're not afraid of killing, milord?"  
>"That's exactly what I was thinking, Igor."<br>"A splendid plan, milord ... and who might that be?"

Duckula scratched his head. "Beats me, Igor. But I know I won't find them in this place."  
>"But we have a perfectly good village, milord!" Igor repeated desparingly, "what sort of meal is it that you cannot find here?"<br>"I'm looking for a clue to that answer, Igor." Duckula turned towards the downstairs but then turned back to Igor, "once I find the answer ... I'll eat it. In the most humane manner possible of course." He added before he spun around and headed down to the dungeons.

Igor stared after him. "Anyone, milord." He answered the empty hall. "Just so long as it's blood."

Igor turned as Nanny stepped heavily across the wooden floors to him.  
>"There you are, Mr. Igor, have you seen Duckyboos? I've been looking everywhere for him to give him his brunch."<br>Igor eyed the plate of celery and carrot sticks that Nanny was holding. "I do believe, Nanny, that the master will be eating out for his next meal."  
>"Oh." Nanny looked down at her plate. "Well, I'll just put it in the fridge for him for later."<p>

"I hope that there will be no later for those vile celery sticks ..." Igor watched after Nanny as she disappeared down the stairs, heading for the kitchen. " 'Humane manner'." He chuckled. "Let him think what he will, let him choose as he may. But once he takes his first bite ..." Igor smiled. "Count Duckula's name will once again cast a shadow of fear upon whomsoever wanders unwittingly across his path."

* * *

><p><strong>As the sun stays hidden behind the grey monsoonal clouds, be cautious, dear reader. Anything could be making that sound out there.<strong>


	8. The Great Vampire Detective

_A/N: My apologies for the grotesque display of bad writing skills; I'm not very good at English. I plan to come back and edit this story one day when I've got oodles of time on my hands and spare brainpower, but right now I'm just posting this story pretty much how I write it without thinking real hard. Writing's my holiday and no one should have to think while they're on holiday if they don't want to, right?_

* * *

><p>THE GREAT VAMPIRE DETECTIVE<p>

* * *

><p><strong>It is Vienna, Austria and a certain crime is currently shrouded in mystery...<strong>

* * *

><p>"Fritz, maybe our rat jumped one of the trains and abandoned ship. He could be anywhere halfway across Europe by now."<br>"Sure, Eunice, let's not get our hopes up before we check out the security camera footage."

"Milord ..."

Duckula swung around from eavesdropping. "Yes, Igor?"

"Milord," Igor said tiredly, "we have walked halfway across Vienna. Whilst I commend your alacrity for your task, perhaps if you gave me a better clue as to what we might be looking for I could avail you of my assistance with a little more success before our time runs out here."  
>Duckula paused. "It's only three in the afternoon in Transylvania. We've got hours."<br>"True, milord." Igor sighed with his aching feet. "But what I meant was; can I give you any more help?"  
>"Igor, It's not easy looking for a needle in a haystack." The count turned back to watching the police officers.<br>Igor reconsidered the law enforcement officials. They were real detectives; the sort of person that the count always admired, so, like the door installation man, his master was probably not considering them as food. "As I recall it was you who caught the jewel thieves in London, Milord."  
>Count Duckula sighed and turned to him. "I didn't get the credit for that."<br>"Ah." Igor smiled, "but you had so much ... fun, milord." Igor nodded to the platform as the detectives walked off, "if you cannot find a victim, milord, perhaps it is because you are thinking so hard upon the subject of what would constitute a worthy victim that the task of finding them is onerous and no longer fun."  
>"Igor, that's twice you've accused me of using my brains like it was a bad thing."<br>Igor frowned, 'it is his conscience that is proving the difficulty. If I can succeed in distracting his conscience sufficiently he may have more success.' "Milord, it would require brains to find the person the detectives are looking for, would it not?"  
>"Yeah, that's true ..." Duckula mused. "Good idea. Come on, Igor; let's quit standing around and go have a look at those cameras."<p>

* * *

><p>Duckula and Igor stepped up towards the station master's booth just as the detectives were leaving.<br>"Well, that's a slap and tickle."  
>"You mean him nicking off with the dame's suitcase?"<br>"Yeah, nuts, he left out the front toting it on his own so we're right back to square one."  
>"So the greaser's still in Vienna. He's gonna turn up sooner or later, Fritz."<p>

"Uh, detectives?" The station master came out of the office to talk to them, "I just remembered something."

* * *

><p>Duckula and Igor went inside as the stationmaster stepped out to talk to the detectives.<br>Igor looked around at the array of dials and switches. "How easily one could cause utter mayhem by flicking the wrong button ..."  
>"Well, this is the button we want." Duckula pressed a button and the screen flicked up a black and white picture of the train platform. "That's where we were just standing." Duckula mused.<br>They watched the 'dame' return from helping a stork onto the train to gape at the empty space where obviously she had expected her luggage to be. There she paused for a moment looking around before she walked out the front.  
>"Milord? We are at the end of the tape."<br>"She's so beautiful." Duckula sighed. "And kind."  
>Igor suppressed the feeling of revulsion at his master's comment and reached over to rewind the video back to when the woman first came onto the platform. Igor watched her put the bag under the seat. She then got up and walked into the darker part of the platform where she started talking to the Stork. His vision drew back as a rat crossed the platform, took the bag from under the seat and then disappeared out through the front. The woman turned and helped the stork onto a chair. When the train came a few minutes later she helped him onto the train.<p>

"Excuse me!"

Igor turned around to see the station master.  
>"What are you two doing in here?"<br>"We're assisting the detectives to find the luggage thief." Igor detailed solemnly. "As you can clearly see by the video we are watching."  
>"Yes, well, now you've seen it."<br>"Yes, now I've seen who killed him." Duckula got up out of the chair and he and Igor left the office.  
>"Killed him, sir?" Igor chased after the count as he cased the platform area. Could he be so unlucky as to pick a criminal for his master who was already dead? "But we saw him leave here alive."<br>Duckula turned to Igor and smiled quietly. "I'm not hungry anymore, Igor." Then he turned away and walked through the front out into the street. Duckula looked left and right before crossing the street.

"Milord, what of the baggage thief?" Igor repeated, hot on his heels.  
>The Count stopped on the busy corner and turned back to him. "What was that, Igor?"<br>"The baggage thief, milord; where did he go, how did he meet his end?"  
>"Well ..." Duckula mused, looking around them. "He got to here and then if my beak's on right he went straight again."<br>Igor followed Duckula and they got up halfway the next street.  
>"Yep." Duckula pointed into the alleyway beside them. "That's where he ended up. You can see the signs of a scuffle; just look at the dirt. The bag landed right there and he landed there."<p>

* * *

><p>"Alright, wise guy."<p>

Duckula looked back at the two detectives who had followed them.  
>"So then where's the body?"<br>Duckula looked back into the alleyway. "It's gone."  
>"How convenient. Where's the murder weapon?"<br>"The killer didn't use any weapon per sec. Not the type that they might accidentally drop."  
>"How did he die?"<br>Duckula cleared his throat. "Exsanguination."  
>"I don't believe it."<br>"So what, they drained him of blood and stole the bag?"  
>Duckula turned fully to the two detectives, looking at the both of them for a long moment. "Retrieved the bag. Not 'stole' it."<br>"Hey, what are you?"  
>Duckula fumbled for an answer. "I'm, I'm-."<br>"Are you some sort of vampire hunter?"  
>"I'm an amateur detective, that's all."<br>"Could you help us find this vampire?"  
>Duckula stood there looking at them for a long moment.<br>"Not in good conscience. Besides, there's no such thing as a vampire. Your case would be laughed out of court."  
>"Oh, that's true ..."<br>Duckula turned back to Igor. "Come on, Igor, we can't find someone that no longer exists and I think I've had more than enough excitement for one day. Let's go home."

* * *

><p>Igor hesitated, "if that is what you wish, milord."<br>"Good bye, officers." Duckula bowed and they turned back onto the street.  
>They got back to the castle and the master reactivated the travelling mechanism. Igor went to the kitchen and awaited his return.<p>

Duckula stepped into the kitchen and began foraging through the fridge. "Oo, celery sticks."  
>'Infernal celery sticks!' Igor grimaced. "Master, what was it you saw on the security tape that could change your mind so easily?"<br>Duckula sat down at the table with his snack. "I've never seen a vampire like her before, Igor. Remember you were telling me I didn't need to kill my victim? I just saw her do it." Duckula shook his head. "Didn't you see her? She was so beautiful, how could you not see her? Oh, I wish ..."  
>"I ..." Igor watched his master gazing down at the untouched celery sticks with a dreamy look on his face. "I did, sir. Is there anything you need at this time?"<br>"Um, no, Igor, I'm fine."  
>"Then I shall attend to my duties."<p>

Igor headed downstairs to his personal study in the dungeon and lit the stove. " 'Not in good conscience'!" Igor laughed quietly to himself at Count Duckula's words refusing to help the detectives find the vampire. Igor mixed a location spell. "Find the vampire Count Duckula refused to betray today."

There was a knock on the front door. "I'll get it."

Igor desperately tried to ignore the distracting sounds now that he'd already begun his question. "Seek out the vampire that can draw my master further into the realm of darkness and-."

The walls shook as Nanny splintered the front door and Igor yanked his mini cauldron off the stove before it tumbled off.  
>He looked down into the liquid. Instead of a map showing the location and the image of the vampire he'd momentarily seen on the station security camera footage, it turned purple and then erupted into a great cloud of steam.<br>Igor sighed and put the now-empty pot away. "Confound that Nanny. If I didn't know better, I'd think she disrupted my castings on purpose." Igor sat down at his desk. "I will have to wait till the next full moon to obtain more ingredients to try again."

* * *

><p><strong>And so, dear readers, as one case closes and another one opens, we say 'goodnight, out there. Whatever you are.'<strong>


	9. Wake The Vampire

_"I think I've killed someone with Nanny's cocoa!" - Duckula_

* * *

><p><strong>WAKE THE VAMPIRE<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Boasting two time winner and three time runner up of the prettiest village in Transylvania award over the past ten years, this sleepy Transylvanian village is an ideal holiday spot for the historically intrigued pragmatist. <strong>

**This evening the noisy clatter down the main street of the horse and carriage heralds another visitor...**

* * *

><p><em>(Half an Hour Earlier)<em>

"Oh, what a pretty little village!" Emily Artisia exclaimed as she stepped down from the carriage with her large carry on bag. The driver flicked the reigns and the carriage did a U turn and left.

"Now, what am I looking for?" She cast her eyes around the cobbled square. "A big house." She picked a direction and headed that way. This way and that, everything was just timeless. Flowers in the window boxes, Shutters on the windows, garlic strung up with the curtains...

"Garlic?" Emily frowned to herself. "A bit superstitious ... it'd certainly never stop me if I wanted in." She got to the outskirts of the village without a sign of a large house. "Well, bother." She sighed, "I'm fed up with all this running around." She came back to the town square where the carriage had dropped her off, and this time noticed the Ye Tooth and Jugular inn. "It's not a very big place, this village," she remarked, looking around the square again.

"They can't get a lot of trouble here." She pushed open the door of the inn and stepped inside. "I feel safer all ..." the noisy pub fell into a sudden hush "... ready." All eyes were on Emily in her plain brown travelling clothes. 'They mustn't get a lot of visitors.' She reasoned.

Emily cast her eyes over the non-vampire patrons. There was no Von Ganderak, so in her books this was great news.

She stepped up to the bar. "I'm looking ..." she sniffed the air for a clue as to what the others were drinking. "... For some warm root beer and if it's not too much trouble, some information."  
>"We ..." The innkeeper flinched. "We're all out ... outta ..." She gazed more intently at him. No way had she survived this many months on the run to be cut down by some little innkeeper and she opened her aura field to let him feel it. "... out the ... back there's some more-gimme a moment."<br>"Thank you."

Emily turned to review the clientele. This whole village was like stepping into history. She looked from one patron to the next, inwardly shuddering.

'When did that guy last bathe? ... I'm cleaner than he is and he lives in a proper house while I sleep in haystacks! ... Have these people never heard of soap? ... Yee-ugh!'

She finally concluded they were all in various states of unkemptness below her meal standards. 'This is certainly not a place I'd like to get hungry.' She reviewed her health and sighed in relief that she was okay at the moment. 'I better try to keep myself healthy in this place or I really will be unhealthy!' Emily turned back to the bar. 'It was certainly worth the money preserving my energy and taking a carriage ride instead of flying in. That definitely would've made me hungry for a snack.'

The bartender returned, handing her the mug of warm root beer.  
>"Lovely, thank you." Emily took a quick sip and sighed. "That's better."<p>

"What brings a ..." the innkeeper swallowed, no doubt still feeling her presence. It wasn't enough to stop him for too long, however, and he carried on after a moment, "... uh, a dame like you 'round these 'ere parts?"  
>"I've been told there's a vampire what lives 'round these 'ere parts." She answered; automatically mimicking his accent and then took another gulp of her drink.<br>"Ach, yer not talking about ... 'im up yonder?"  
>Emily blinked. "Pardon? Up where?"<br>"Up in thar castle."  
>"Castle Duckula." The villagers pointed to the window.<p>

"Oh, blood." Emily cursed and carried her mug to the table beside the window. She stared through the dusty square window panes up at the castle, in obvious full looming view. "Oh-'eck't's-yuge!" She squawked and took a large swig of the warm drink, now wishing it tasted very differently because she could've done with a bit of the other stuff. "Where's-my-blooming-courage-gone?" She cursed herself and took another swig of the refreshment.

Then it occurred to her to ask her audience the personality she would be facing once she got to the castle. "Hey, fellahs, what's the count like? Is he noice? Is he all stuffy? Is he got a temper or what?"

The pub was silent back at her for a moment. Apparently she wasn't alone in the search for courage.  
>"Well, you said it."<br>"You mean; 'im up there?"  
>"Yes, 'im up there." Emily confirmed, patiently acknowledging the mixed levels of intelligence and high level of nervous tension in the crowded room. "Is 'e noice?"<br>"He's a ..."  
>"... Vampoire."<br>"If you value yer life, yeh'll never go out at night."  
>"You never know when 'e might strike."<br>"He'll take you and bite yeh neck and ..."

Emily gaped at their terror. "You make it sound like it were your population what's dwindling! And I'll tell yer plainly it ain't! There's plenty 'o 'ouses down here and there's plenty 'o you in 'em, an' 'e's been up there a great while longer 'en you, so what's that say aboat 'im then?" She glared hotly at them.

Emily put the mug to her beak and drained her mug of the dregs, attempting to drown her hunger inspiring temper. She looked down at the bottom of the mug, finding her calm again. "What a backwards lot you are." She put down her empty mug. "Fancy livin' out here, all alone, with just you lot to be scared o' 'im." She paced towards the bar and dropped a few drachmas.

"Now I must be off to meet this Count. He's probably gone crazy for company, is all what it is that's the matter with 'im." She grabbed up her carry bag and presented the innkeeper with another couple of drachmas. "If you please, sir. I require an empty bedroom with a locking door for ten minutes, and a jug of unused water with a basin? Please?"  
>"A room for ten minutes?" He repeated.<p>

"It's already on nightfall and I ain't goin' up no hill to visit no count vampoire lookin' like Enrietta Scarecrow." She scoffed. "Cor blimey. I ain't got no pedigree so I gotta at least look edible."  
>He stared at her for a moment. "Go ... up the stairs and it's the first door to the right."<br>"Cheers, keep." She dropped the coins on the counter and waited for him to present her with the jug.  
>She snatched it and headed for the stairs.<p>

"Did you want a mirror?" He called after her. "Coz ..."  
>Emily paused on the stair and turned back to him. "What the heck for? This isn't a magic act; I'm just cleaning myself up. And even if it were I'd be covered in tomatoes for my trouble coz I can't do magic anyway!" She snorted and continued up the stairs with her bag over her shoulder and the jug in her hands.<p>

* * *

><p>It crossed Goosewing's mind as he and Claudette continued their car trip that her very presence was keeping him from stopping any vampire if they happened to meet up; not just the vampires back in Berne. With Heinrich back in Salzburg visiting his aunt, Goosewing didn't have any backup for a situation like this. Not that Heinrich was all that reliable ... but Claudette was far more likely to take advantage of his back being turned.<p>

"Achtung! They've followed us!" Claudette shrieked.

Goosewing glanced in the side mirror and saw nothing behind them as he primed his laser stake. "Who?"  
>Something huge landed on the bonnet of the car and Claudette screamed, slamming on the brakes. The car screeched to a long halt and the vampire on the bonnet tumbled off.<br>"Shee ..." Goosewing mused. "You don't see zhat every day."  
>"Nein, nein, nein!" Claudette was sobbing beside him, her face in her hands and Goosewing listened out as the footsteps came closer and his vampireometer told him there were four vampires - one out the front, one in back and one on either side ... he watched the indicator closing in on his side door and then he slammed the door open, casting the vampire wide. He jumped out and fired at the vampire and spun around, looking for the other two.<br>Claudette screamed and he looked through the car, the two vampires were dragging her out of the car. Goosewing fired at the vampire behind her who was the clearest shot. The other vampire snarled once more at Claudette and then turned into a bat and flew away, moving too fast for Goosewing to get a lock.

Goosewing circled around the car to find Claudette sitting on the ground, crying.  
>"Zhey vere after you, not me." He was utterly bamboozled. "Why vould zhey hunt vone of zheir own?"<br>Her answer was lost in her torrent of tears.  
>"Nein..." Goosewing hesitated, "please, do not ..."<br>"I'm sorry." She sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

Goosewing puffed his chest out. "I do not fail. If we have not seen ze last of zhem, zhen zhey haff not seen ze last of Doctor von Goosewing; greatest wampire hunter in ze vorld!"

* * *

><p>Duckula was daydreaming about the train station vampire over his crunchy celery sticks. A jarring thought interrupted him ... Igor's voice, saying inside his head, 'what again, Milord?' Duckula was hopeless when it came to women. Even if he managed to find her he'd just put his foot in his beak.<p>

There was a knock on the front door. "Oh." He shrugged himself back into the real world.  
>"I'll get it!" Nanny's loud voice sliced through the air.<br>"Bother; not another weekend without the front door!" The door crashed and Duckula grabbed his plate before it jumped clear off the table. 'Every time she does that I hope she hasn't seriously maimed the person on the other side.' He put the plate back on the table and hurried up the stairs to investigate.

* * *

><p>The young lady duck stood there beside Nanny. Her straight raven hair glinted in the silvery moonlight streaming in through the doorway and her eyes were crystal blue. Her grey and white plumage was preened to glossy perfection. Her sequinned navy dress finished the look perfectly. Yes, the count could see her performing an aria on Eurobirdvision, and he'd have rung in his vote for her despite having the TV on mute. In fact, he was sure he had seen her on TV quite recently. In fact, that afternoon.<p>

"Ahem, Miss Emily Artisia." Nanny piped. "His lordship Count Duckula."

Duckula blinked and looked away in embarrassment. Vampire or not, Emily was blushing from his obvious stare.

"Excuse me, sir." He watched her glancing around at the great hall in all its tragic despair. "Forgive my intrusion." The woman duck turned back to him. A stricken look on her face, she stepped up closer to him. Duckula felt his heart rate rise as he caught the clean fresh scent of her and realised her fangs weren't visible as she talked to him. "But I'm desperately hoping you can help me with a problem I am having. You see; I'm being chased."  
>"Oh?" Duckula took a step back, a little daunted by the closeness of her beak and its many uses. "You ... want a place to hide? Well, there are plenty of rooms here." He repeated the tired line with a trace of nervousness. "Nanny, will you please take Miss Artisia's bag upstairs and organise a guest room."<br>"Very good, Milord. Come with Nanny, dear, so I can show you where it is."  
>"Thank you, count, sir. I'm very grateful." Emily curtseyed at Duckula before drifting up the stairs after Nanny. There was such sweetness in her face and her voice he might have mistaken her for an angel ...<p>

* * *

><p>"Who was it at the door, milord?"<p>

Duckula jerked out of his day dream and spun around to his manservant's voice. "Igor! I've told you before ... stop sneaking up on me!"  
>"It was not my intention, milord. I was merely inquiring about our latest visitor."<br>"Her name's Emily Artisia." Duckula answered dreamily. Her blue eyes were so clear he might see straight to the bottom of her heart if he chanced to gaze into them for long enough...

"Sir? Sir!" Igor repeated and Duckula blinked alert.

"Yes, Igor?"  
>"... Are you quite alright? You've been a little, uh ... distracted, today."<br>Duckula blinked. "I suppose I have been ... Igor, please fetch one of those bottles of yours from the cellar ... you know; like the one you tricked me into drinking?"  
>"RH Negative. Right away, milord. What would you like me to do with it after that, sir?"<br>"I just want it in the fridge at the moment, thank you."  
>There was a moment as Igor paused in thought. "Very good, milord." Then the manservant left.<br>Duckula blinked down at the rotting floorboards and the disintegrated mats that scarcely did the trick to cover them.  
>'I'm being chased.' He recalled Emily's words. "Who or what goes around chasing vampires?" He asked the empty hall, and the moment he uttered the words he had the answer. "Doctor Von Goosewing."<p>

* * *

><p><strong>As the village dwellers at the bottom of the hill settle in for another unsettled night we leave you with some advice. <strong>

**Don't waste time arguing with a non-believer when you should be running for your life.**

**Goodnight out there, whatever you are.**


	10. Scrambled Perceptions

**SCRAMBLED PERCEPTIONS**

* * *

><p><strong>It is night time and within the dark and dismal depths of Castle Duckula evil stirs ... restless and hungry.<strong>

* * *

><p>As Igor disappeared down the side stairs to the basement Count Duckula's thoughts about Emily turned to her plight. "Von Goosewing!" He quacked in outrage. "It's that wretched von Goosewing again!" He snarled in utter frustration. "Grr-oh! Will I ever be free of him?"<p>

The empty hall was silent in return so he looked at the crashed open door in dismay.  
>'He's just doing his job, sir.' Igor's voice echoed in his head. 'Now if you would just accept your part in life there would be no problem.'<br>"Thanks, Igor. Once again: not particularly helpful." Duckula grumbled quietly to himself. "Well, that lunatic's not here right now so that's something I guess ..." Duckula acknowledged. "But you can bet he'll show up again!" He groaned. 'Will I ever be free of him?'

Then reality came back to his thoughts and he remembered he had a guest and guests needed attending to. "I'll go see if Emily is interested for dinner. In dinner. As-at-food. I mean, wants food." The count stared at the stairs in front of him, dismayed at how askew his beak was over this woman. "Hoo, boy, am I ever in trouble?" He took a breath and started up the stairs, trying again. "Are you hungry, Miss-Miss Artisia? I mean of course she's hungry- She's a vam- a v-? A v-!"

His own stomach was rumbling in agreement.

"I'm a vampire too." He said in a tiny shocked voice, looking down at the view from the landing. "I've just been stubbornly refusing to see three inches past my own beak about it." He turned in the direction of the guest rooms, suddenly feeling a lot braver.

He met up with Nanny in the corridor.  
>"Oh, Master Duckula." She hooked his attention. "I was just coming to tell you."<br>"What is it, Nanny?"  
>"What's what?"<br>Duckula pressed his fingers to his forehead between his eyes to alleviate the tension. "Forget it. What were you coming to tell me, Nanny?"  
>"Erm, I forgot."<br>He nodded, having expected this. "Well, just in case you do remember, I'm just going to see Miss Artisia."  
>"Oh, yes, now I remember. The young Miss has gone in for a lie down. She's got a nasty headache."<br>Duckula blinked in shock. "A ... a headache?" He repeated and he suddenly felt the keenness of the gloom and dreary silence of his ancestral home.  
>"Yes."<br>The feeling closed in on him and his mood fell. "I don't blame her. This miserable rotten no good castle! It'd bring anyone down." He grumbled. "I think I'll turn in early as well." If he couldn't have her company in real life than maybe at least he might dream of Emily Artisia.

* * *

><p>Goosewing kept his eyes on the road as he drove the car, listening as Claudette's sobs slowly receded. Despite his reassurances it had taken quite some time for her to go quiet.<p>

"Vould you tell me vhat is zis zhat troubling you is, ja?"  
>"I must take punishment." She stated hoarsely.<br>Goosewing frowned at the road. "Because wampire you is beingk?"  
>"Nein; Guilty I am because helping you have I been." She sighed. "A wampire hunter."<br>Goosewing pondered over her predicament, not liking the idea of anyone suffering because of him. "Ah! Plan I am having, ja!" He exclaimed excitedly. "If you shtay mit mir, zhen I can help protect you from zhem!"  
>"Oh ... vell ...yes ... zhat might vork..." Claudette's voice picked up again. "Docktor von Goosevingk, you are ein genius!"<p>

Goosewing felt really good at hearing her say that and grinned at the road in front of him. "Vhy, zhank you, docktor."

* * *

><p>The Count woke up in bed, the sound of the car engine fading. It was the middle of the night and he was hungry.<p>

Duckula had spent the whole day looking for a meal and in the end had settled for carrot and celery sticks for lunch. To top it off, with his head swimming with the surround experience of meeting 'Emily Artisia' in person he'd forgotten about dinner that night as well.

Determined to remedy his complaining stomach he headed down to the kitchen and discovered Emily had also gotten hungry at the same time.  
>"Good evening, Miss Artisia."<br>"G'evening Count. Um; this is great stuff. It was a bit forward of me but I was so hungry. Thank you for this." She hid her beak with her hand, swallowing, a wine glass of blood in her other hand, the bottle on the red and white checker-clothed table. "Are you hungry too?" She fetched another wine glass from the cupboard and poured him a drink from the bottle.

"You should thank Igor." Duckula eyed the vile tasting cold liquid, "I hope never to be as obsessed with the stuff as he."  
>Emily held out the second glass to him. "Oh, come on, Ducky. You've drunk it before, you'll drink it again. Or do you just prefer it fresh and still warm? I mean ..." Emily giggled, "Of course you do." She blinked up at him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."<br>Duckula quickly turned away, realising he must have a look of tortured horror on his face because that's how he was feeling.  
>"It's not that bad. So you have sensitive teeth. Don't order anything from the tap and you'll be fine."<p>

"Here, I know a good trick." She put the two glasses down on the table.  
>Duckula stared at the full glass of blood she'd poured him. 'Sensitive teeth? That's what she thinks my problem is?'<br>Meanwhile Emily was rummaging through the cupboards. She pulled out a decanter, and then in the kitchen drawers she found a large spoon. From the fridge, she pulled out one of the Count's small bottles of carrot juice glancing up at him before closing the door and returning to the table with all her items.

Emily tipped Duckula's untouched glass into the decanter, emptied the carrot juice into it, and then emptied the entire bottle of blood into the decanter. Duckula took a step back, his head starting to spin with the sight of so much blood. After she stirred it with the spoon Emily filled Duckula's glass with the mixture and topped up her own.  
>She held out the glass to him and he eyed her warily before he tentatively took the glass.<br>"The carrot juice makes all the difference. I promise you'll be okay. Oh, go on."  
>He took a tiny sip for manners sake and had no reaction to it.<br>"There you see?" Emily's smile was broad. She took a mouthful of her own. "It really zings, doesn't it?"  
>He nodded and took a bigger sip. "It's very good," he conceded, "even though it is cold."<br>She beamed at him and curtseyed. "Why thank you, your lordship."  
>Duckula took another sip of the mixed drink. "What ever gave you the idea to try carrot juice with it?"<br>"Oh, they have complimentary flavours." She shrugged. "It also works with tomato juice if you like that sort of drink."  
>"I do." He stared at his glass, imagining what the tomato would do to the flavour. "We just don't have any at the moment."<br>"Wow."  
>"Huh?" Duckula looked up at her.<br>"You like tomato juice. I mean ... you drink juice straight, right?"  
>"... Yes?" Duckula squeaked nervously.<br>"That's extreme! Your immune system must be doing jumping jacks at daybreak."  
>"Uh, no." He admitted. "Not quite. I'm more just hungry in the morning."<br>"Didn't you have dinner when you woke up?"  
>Duckula cleared his throat. "Speaking of dinner: how's your headache?"<br>"Oh, uh, well, I'm-I'm much better. Sorry about that." She grabbed a chair and pulled it back.

"Do you live alone here with Nanny? She's such a kind soul."  
>"Oh, no, there's Igor too. Igor is ... well, Igor is Igor." Duckula mentally slapped himself.<br>Emily raised an eyebrow. "What's Igor like?" She prodded. "Oh, you can do better than that, surely. You spend all your time together. What sorts of things does he like?"  
>"He likes silence for one thing, stale air for another," Duckula sighed with the morbidity "and if you're into torture chambers he's your man."<br>Emily grabbed the decanter and held out her hand for his empty glass. "I'm sure there's more to him than that. Why don't you tell me a story about him?"  
>"About Igor?" Duckula took his refilled glass back from her and sipped in thought. "Alright, um ... well this one time we were in the portraits room. He likes to go on about my family's history. He can do it endlessly ..." He took another sip.<p> 


	11. Mississippi Madness Part One

_a/n: I hereby declare the revisitation of yet another excellent Count Duckula episode: Mississippi Duck._

_This is as far as my poetic talents go with the coffin verse. Enough; and more than enough!_

* * *

><p><strong>MISSISSIPPI MADNESS (Part One)<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Amidst the looming and glowering peaks of Transylvania stands a castle. Not just any castle. This is Castle Duckula. From within come strange, unfamiliar sounds, drifting eerily to the ears of the local inhabitants.<strong>

* * *

><p>Duckula woke up late after midday feeling incredibly refreshed. He'd had the best sleep he'd had in well over a month. He stood in front of the empty mirror putting on his clothes remembering his conversation with Emily last night.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Emily's eyes were watering in laughter as she topped up Duckula's empty glass. "No way did he say that; Igor hates fresh air." <em>  
><em>"Yes, way! And so he opens it, and all that can be heard is 'aaaargh' and then ..." he took a swig of his drink. <em>  
><em>"Thunk?" <em>  
><em>"Thunk, thunk thunk! Four for the four of them, hitting the deck. So then I politely ask Igor what the noise was to see if he'd tell me the truth of what Igor'd just done and all he says is, I mean I describe the sound of it to him, and ... 'that'll be Nanny making pastry, Milord'!" <em>  
><em>Emily keeled over laughing. "Oh, that's wicked." Emily got control of herself after a few moments. "I've never laughed like that since Jareth's dentures fell out." <em>  
><em>"Jareth?" <em>  
><em>"The ... he was a ... lion. Jareth the lion." Emily blushed. "He was an old softy."<em>  
><em>Duckula blinked at her. "I'm not sure if you could ever call Igor that."<em>  
><em>Emily smiled at him. "No; it's you. You remind me of Jareth. I don't know why. I guess ..." She chuckled, "you look at me like he did. Like you don't know what to expect."<em>  
><em>"Frankly I don't know what to expect from you," Duckula admitted. "Wait a minute, so how do you know this lion called Jareth?" <em>  
><em>"Oh ..." Emily blushed. "Well, I was ... um ... he was with the circus."<em>  
><em>"Oh." Duckula sighed longingly. "I love the circus."<em>  
><em>Emily gazed back at him. "So do I."<em>

_"You're not the way I pictured a vampire to be." The words slipped out of his mouth and the count instantly regretted it. _  
><em>"You haven't met many other vampires?"<em>  
><em>"No, well .. the odd one ... a few ... relatives."<em>  
><em>Emily stared at him in surprise. "I'm surprised all three of you aren't completely insane from living up here all alone for so long!" <em>

_Emily took his hand. "Look, Ducky, let me tell you a really important thing about being a vampire." She leaned in closer to him. "Vampires need people." She blinked in confusion at him. "What's the matt-? Oh anyway. What I'm trying to say is that you're missing out on so much of the world." She shrugged. "I mean; there are some people out there who are so full of life that their company is like a Christmas feast in itself." She pulled away from him. "You are an intelligent vampire. Talk to your food. You may find you don't even need to eat it before you're done because you're so full on fun."_

_Duckula sighed, a comfortable blanket of warm feelings wrapped around him and he looked at her in total adoration._

_"Oh, good mornin' Duckyboos. Good mornin' Miss Emily." Nanny lumbered into the room. "I suppose you'll be wantin' your breakfasts."_  
><em>"Uh, no, Nanny." Duckula looked at the empty decanter on the table between him and Emily. "Thank you. Emily? How about you? Would you like breakfast?"<em>  
><em>"Uh, no, I'm fine too."<em>  
><em>"Oh, dear. You might be comin' down with somethin'."<em>  
><em>"No!" Duckula jumped up to reassure her. "Nanny, we've had food."<em>  
><em>"Oh." Nanny stared at him for several seconds. "Would you like a spot of tea then?"<em>  
><em>"That's very nice of you to offer but no thank you, Nanny." Emily ventured. "I think I'd better get some sleep. I've kind of been up all night." <em>  
><em>"Me too." Duckula added. "I'm going to bed. Good morning you two."<em>

* * *

><p>It was past noon now. As Count Duckula stepped out into the corridor outside his bedroom he realised that he was feeling so refreshed because his morning nap had been a dreamless peaceful blank. There had been no sound of a car engine that filled his nighttime slumber and no nightmarish clouds of vampire dust wafting in the breeze around him ... and was that ... music he was hearing right now?<p>

Duckula's mind jerked back to the present. It was the sound of a violin in the hands of a master fiddler.  
>"Ragtime!" It was so real to his ears; Duckula found himself recalling the smell of the Mississippi, the sound of the street bands, the throngs of excited people.<p>

"Emily likes the circus. She might like New Orleans." Duckula shrugged. "It's certainly one of my favourite places that I've been." He changed direction and headed to the guest rooms.

Strangely enough, the music was growing louder. He knocked on her door and with a jarring note, the music halted abruptly.

Emily appeared breathless at the door after a moment's delay. "I'm sorry; was that too loud?"  
>"This place is full of holes." Duckula advised her, then his eyes widened. "Was that you playing?"<br>She blushed. "My Aunt taught me when I was little and I don't go anywhere without it and, well, it was so quiet I felt like I was alone on the planet-but anyway, if it wasn't too loud what did you want to see me about?"  
>Duckula cleared his throat. "There's a ..." He closed his beak. "How about we all get out of this boring old place for a few hours?"<br>Emily blushed. "It's okay. I mean it's just really very ..."  
>"Gloomy, dark, depressing and dull." Duckula described his castle.<br>"Quiet. But it's also very safe. I feel so safe here." She gave him a community service smile. "It's not a place one can get into too much trouble."  
>"That's the politest way of saying 'boring'!" Duckula rolled his eyes. "How about we take a holiday from it?"<p>

Emily opened the door a bit wider to consider his proposition. "Where shall we go?"  
>"I know just the place." He grinned at her. "But I'd like to keep it a surprise for you."<p>

* * *

><p>Count Duckula stopped at the kitchen where Igor and Nanny were sipping tea. "Come on, you two!"<br>"But I can't, Duckyboos!"  
>"I ... pardon?" Duckula blinked in confusion.<br>"I don't know any of their tunes. All that hard rock gives me an 'eadache." Nanny whimpered.  
>Igor looked up from his cup of tea. "I believe, Nanny, that the young master wishes to take Miss Artisia on a date, and he wishes us to attend as chaperone."<br>Duckula pulled a face. "That's not exactly what I meant, Igor."  
>"Are you so certain, milord?" Igor intoned quietly.<br>"Oo, where're we going then?" Nanny asked. "Somewhere nice with lots of flowers and shops?"  
>"Uh, no ..." Duckula frowned, feeling suddenly queasy with nerves, "I was more thinking somewhere with lots of water ..."<br>"Paris, there's water there. We can look at all them pictures."  
>"No, not the Louvre ..."<br>"What's the point of takin' an 'oliday if you're going to be doin' the 'ousework?"  
>Duckula felt his feathers prickling. "No, Nanny, L-ou-vre, not Hoover: the art museum in Paris. It's called the Louvre."<br>"Pardon?"  
>"No, never mind, Nanny, because we're not going there anyway."<p>

"What's this 'ere place o' yours got then? Nice cobbled streets and an 'orse an' a carriage? A young lady would sure to fancy that."  
>"Uh-m-mud." Duckula found himself stumble on the word. "And we ... walk."<br>"Surely, sir, you can think of something ... more ... befitting a duck of your standing?" Igor frowned. "Especially when attempting to woo a young maiden."  
>"Look, Igor ... " Duckula said bitterly, "I am not trying to-." He cleared his throat, realising he was arguing out of habit. "Actually yes I am."<br>"How about the Romanian National Opera house in Cluj-Napoca? I hear they are currently having a Serata Musicala tonight."

"Igor," Duckula sighed. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a place like that, but right now I don't want an orchestra; I want a jazz band. I want music that's overflowing with life. And fun." He folded his arms across his chest and translocated away.

* * *

><p>Duckula stepped into the coffin in the basement.<p>

_"I yearn to hear the song on the river, _  
><em>Where the brass sets the soul aquiver, <em>  
><em>Where the sound creates the scene, <em>  
><em>Take us now to New Orleans."<em>


	12. Mississippi Madness Part Two

**Mississippi Madness Part Two**

* * *

><p>Emily stepped up in front of Nanny in the kitchen. "Do you think this is okay, Nanny?"<p>

Nanny turned to look at her. "Oh, you look lovely, dear." She put the rinsed milk bottle on the collection tray next to the rinsed blood bottle.

Igor came up from behind, suppressing the urge to snigger. "You may change your mind about the shoes later on, of course, ma'am." He nodded at her stilettos. "I have noted the heel ..." He coughed as a laugh rose in his throat. "Has a tendency to ... ahem, break off, and it would not be the best outcome to twist your ankle should anything untoward, however unlikely may happen."

"I see." Emily stepped out of her shoes. She stood with her bare webbed feet on the cracked vinyl with her beak pursed. "Is this better?"  
>"Far better, Ma'am." He answered, doing his best to fake nonchalance.<br>"Or if I am expecting to be chased should I fetch my sneakers?"  
>"I do not believe that would quite match ..." He choked down a laugh.<br>"You're right; it wouldn't exactly match the rest of my outfit, would it? Perhaps I should change into a tracksuit?"  
>"That may not be quite the impression milady wishes to make on the master."<p>

Emily frowned at him. "I don't understand how what I am wearing could put you into a near fit of hysterics, Mr. Igor. What is so funny?"

"There's nothing funny with it." Nanny proclaimed over their heads. "Mr. Igor's just teasing you, Emily. You look lovely."  
>"Okay, Nanny, thank you." Emily continued to frown as Igor attempted to recover his dignity.<br>"I apologise, ma'am Artisia, it is merely my memory playing tricks on me. However, I strongly recommend against the high heels in circumstances such as these."  
>"What ... circumstances?"<br>"The master's circumstances generally. Not once in eight hundred years would I recommend wearing a set of shoes like these around him." He picked up her shoes and turned from her. "As he does seem quite fond of you it would not be good to twist your heel, ma'am."

"I see." Emily continued to frown at his back. "You don't think I'm suitable."  
>"This is only yours and the master's concern. I shall return these to your room for you."<br>"Huh? Thank you, Mr. Igor."  
>Igor turned and headed up the stairs.<p>

"Come along, Emily," Nanny said warmly. "Let's go to the hall and wait for Duckyboos."

Emily confusedly followed after Nanny and turned off the squirreling staircase to the right while Igor continued up the stairs in the direction of Emily's room.

* * *

><p>"Nanny, do you find Igor rather confusing at times?"<p>

"I wouldn't know where to begin, my dear! Between the pair of them I can't make heads or tails sometimes. That is a very nice dress. It looks French."  
>"It is French, Nanny, I got it in Paris."<br>"Why, one would almost think you were French wearing your hair like that."  
>Emily smiled at Nanny. "Certainement. Cela est l'effet que je veux atteindre."<p>

Igor returned and together they waited for the Count, he and Nanny looking towards the left wing.

"I have not yet been zat way." She pointed, putting on a French accent. "What's down zat corrhidor overh therhe?" Emily asked.  
>"That is the staircase to the dungeon." Igor announced with pleasure.<br>Emily paused for a moment. "Oh, how verhy typical." She huffed in mock indignation. "Eet ees an old chateau viz an old cachot."

"I take it from that comment that is not your custom, ma'am." Igor noted.

"Alright you three." Duckula stepped in front of them, but his troubled expression vanished and he beamed at Emily. "You look lovely, Emily."  
>"Would this be suitable attire for the mystery place?"<p>

"It's perfect." He held out his hand for her and led her out of the front door.

* * *

><p>It was the greatest surprise to Emily as she found her bare feet on the pavement of a busy street. Music filled the air.<p>

"This is familiar." Nanny remarked.  
>"Well of course it's familiar, Nanny!" Duckula turned around to face the others. "This is New Orleans! Do you remember the boat with all the stairs, Nanny?"<br>"Oh, yes. My poor ol' heart."

"I remember." Igor narrowed his eyes but for once said nothing more. "Shall we proceed, sir?"  
>"Yes, come on, I'm sure the Twocan cafe over there is open. We can have lunch before we go to the docks."<br>"As passengers, sir?"  
>"Yes, Igor, as passengers." Duckula gritted and turned away.<p>

"Igor? Passengers as opposed to what?" Emily asked as Duckula walked towards the cafe with Nanny.  
>"Perhaps the master will explain it to you at a later time, Ma'am."<br>Emily followed Igor to the cafe. "I can't imagine a boat with more stairs than the castle."  
>Igor chuckled. "Nanny sees the world rather differently than the rest of us."<p>

"Oh, right'o then, I gotcha."  
>Igor stopped and he turned to Emily. "Why do you insist on these ... odd accents?"<br>"It's fun." Emily answered. "And it helps my acts to practice."  
>"It isn't exactly the manner of a lady of society."<br>"Oh, that's alright then, coz like you guessed: I'm not." She turned from him and joined Duckula at the cafe.

Igor shook his head. "Cockney accents, ventriloquism ... gyah, what next?"


	13. Mississippi Madness Part Three

MISSISSIPPI MADNESS PART THREE

* * *

><p>After a music-filled lunch at the cafe, Duckula, Emily, Igor and Nanny walked down to the docks by the river. There was an old-fashioned riverboat waiting there.<p>

The smell of the Mississippi filled Emily's nostrils. The sounds of frogs, fish, dragonflies and mosquitoes filled the air with an orchestra of life against a backdrop of riverbank trees.  
>"It's beautiful!" Emily marvelled at it, her heart pounding in the thrilling prospect of getting on board and immersing herself in the river world.<p>

"Drat, Igor." Duckula said quietly. "He's not going to let us on."  
>Emily looked over at the pleasantly smiling Corgi in the skipper's outfit. He did seem to be frowning a lot at Nanny between all his smiles.<br>"I can't ever imagine why, Milord." Igor said sarcastically, "Unless of course he happens to recognise us from our last sojourn to New Orleans. As I recall-."  
>"Oh, yes, very amusing, Igor." Duckula grimaced, "I would prefer a smidgen of an idea."<p>

"Not to worry, Milord, as it so happens I chanced to overhear one of the peasants mentioned that-."  
>"But there's plenty of room on this boat, Igor!" Emily interrupted Igor's alternative plan. "My aunt always says: 'You should never let someone's sociopathic breakdown get in the way of having fun'!"<br>"Hmm." Igor mused.

Emily left him to think what he liked and approached the skipper standing there with his first mate.  
>"Vhy, hello, mon capitaine, eet ees a pleesure to meet wiz you." She held out her hand, keeping her attention carefully on his eyes and not of his curly white beard.<br>"Mademoiselle."  
>"Eet ees a fine sheep." She smiled toothily at him. "Fhrom bow to sterhn it is how you sayh ... magnifique? Like youhselfh, I see." She continued to smile at him as he kissed her hand. "But no, ees your sheep full? Ah me, such a pity." She pulled gently away from him and turned back to Duckula.<p>

"Wait!" The skipper cleared his throat and Emily turned elegantly around in her fashionably French frilled dress. The skipper cast his eyes uncertainly from her to Nanny and Duckula and then back to her, an almost crazed notion spreading his eyes wide. "Y-yes, there's room. In fact the more the merrier!" He gestured to the gangplank with a strangled laugh, "I'm Cataruff the captain, and this is my first mate, Mr. Silt. Pleasure to have you aboard. Welcome, welcome, welcome." He ushered them on board and they all filed onto the boat.

The short-billed mockingbird stood beside him in his clean white outfit. "If there's anything you need, there are two stewards, or you can speak directly to me." He nodded, mildly untethering the ropes behind them.  
>"Thank you, Mr. Silt." Duckula saluted.<p>

"I'm not too sure about the captain, milord. He had a rather odd look in his eye."  
>"Yeah, I noticed that too, Igor." Duckula shrugged. "What did you call him, Emily?"<br>"A sociopath-oh, isn't it obvious?" Emily shrugged.  
>"Or maybe he's just overdue for a holiday." Duckula shrugged.<br>"That was very nice of him." Nanny said loudly over their heads.  
>"Yes, Nanny, you just be careful not to fall out today, okay? Please?"<p>

"Just a question, Emily."  
>Emily turned once they'd gotten onto the boat. "Yes, Ducky?"<br>"Can you do that ... anytime you want?" Duckula lowered his voice.  
>She smiled at him. "You've just got to find their weak spot and go for it."<br>"He didn't even ask us for fares."  
>"It's not my fault if they sometimes forget to charge." She shrugged lightly. "It's not like I hypnotised him."<p>

* * *

><p>Duckula wasn't a big fan of the meaty dishes on offer at the buffet. As a fair-weather vegetarian, he was confused about what he should be eating but he knew what he wanted to eat and the food on the tables looked contrastingly dead and unappetising.<p>

"Listen to me, you big beaked avian."  
>Duckula spun around, shocked at the remark and found Cataruff staring eye to eye with him.<br>"I seen you round these parts before and I know exactly what you are."  
>"Er ... what would that be, exactly?" Duckula asked, feeling his feathers prickle.<br>"Tourists. Trouble merchants!" Cataruff barked. "Don't y'all go messing up what I've got planned, you hear, partner? I've got backup." He grinned toothily. "You'll find out soon, very soon. You'll all get yours."

Duckula found himself staring at the canine's chomp and tear teeth, recalling an image from Hardluck Hotel of Grinder. "Are you mad?" He hissed at Cataruff. "You're not hauling gold up this river, are you?"  
>Cataruff frowned darkly at Duckula. "Good evening, sir. Enjoy your trip like it's your last." Cataruff walked away and Duckula's hearing followed him up the stairs.<p>

"Coz' it'll be the last one." Cataruff laughed.  
>"Not good." Duckula turned around and scanned the room's occupants.<p>

"Where's Emily?" He pushed through the crowd, on a mission to locate her. This place had just gotten dangerous.

Duckula stepped to the back of the boat where Emily was staring at the big wheel turning up the water. "Emily. About Captain Cataruff ..."  
>"I didn't do it to you."<br>Duckula puzzled, "do what?"  
>"When I asked you to help me I was being sincere."<br>"Sure it's enough for me." He smiled at her as she turned to look at him. "Are you enjoying being here?"  
>She smiled at him. "Oh, yes." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "This place is as magical as I always imagined."<p> 


	14. Mississippi Madness Part Four

_A/n: Parlez-moi D'amour is by Jean Lenoir in 1930. Really hauntingly beautiful._

_A/n: Anyone who is French and/or can read French please forgive my misuse of this lovely language because I cannot read it!_

* * *

><p>MISSISSIPPI MADNESS PART FOUR<p>

* * *

><p>"Is the shore getting a bit closer do you think?"<br>"It's probably a narrow bit." Duckula moved to get closer to Emily, and then the boat jolted under his feet. He grabbed the rail as he went flying over the top of it and let out a yell of shock before he slammed against the outside of the boat.  
>"Ducky!" Emily exclaimed. "Grab my hand."<br>"Hang on there, missy, I'll help him!" Duckula watched as the first mate Mister Silt pulled Emily protectively away from the railing. "Mind you don't fall over too, mademoiselle."

"Miss Artisia, could we have your assistance." Someone else's voice added to the commotion at the back of the boat as Duckula started to pull his own weight up and onto the decking.

"Mr. Silt, I need your help in the control deck, we've lost underwater sensors and gotten lodged on a stump I expect. You know how to fix the equipment." Cataruff's voice said from overhead. "I'll get this."  
>"Let me help you, Count." Cataruff grinned at him and slammed his fist down on Duckula's fingers.<br>"Ow!" Duckula pulled his fingers away from the mistreatment, and promptly fell into the water with a yelp.

The two stewards half-dragged Emily onto the platform with the band. "Here, come on, these people are gonna go spare with the boat stopped moving."

"We can't pass up the opportunity with a real French voice."  
>"You can sing, right?"<br>"I eem a duck," she responded frostily, "not a loon!"  
>"What's that mean?"<br>"It means ..." She put her hands on her hips and straightened her stance, giving her a perfect air of haughtiness, "Yhou can take eet orh leave out see doorh." She gestured. "Onlee one song."

Emily turned to the room and scanned the area. No Duckula. He probably was still out on the deck with Mr. Silt. It was probably just as well he wasn't here for this. Her carrot grater singing voice wasn't the sort of impression she wanted to make on him. In order to keep the audience from screaming in mortal dread, Emily decided she'd have to sing like a vampire, not a duck. "I have you know," she looked at the musicians behind her, "Eet would be betterh forh me to play yourh violin, or even zhe clarinet."  
>"Cool it, sis, what tune you got for us?"<p>

"Parlez-moi D'amour." She answered quickly. "I do not wish to make a fool of myselfh." She turned to the audience.

Duckula was down below and treading water. Four alligators were staring back at him. "Uh, hello there, allow me to introduce myself properly. I am Count Duckula." He said as gamely as he could muster. 'I am a vampire, vampire, vampire, vampire, me.'  
>"Yum, Mallard. Pass the orange sauce."<br>"Orange sauce!" Duckula exclaimed. "So is that it really? Someone gets hungry and every scrap of social etiquette goes out the wayside?"  
>"Oh yeah, sorry, you got a point. This is Algerta, I'm Torba this is Chaise and Georgina." Torba swam closer with a big grin. "Now we've been introduced: let's eat!"<br>"Eat!" Duckula felt his stomach lurch in hunger and he dove under the alligator's snatching jaw, grabbed his front leg and snapped his beak down over the alligator's neck. Blood filled his mouth and it was rich. Reptile, heart rate, fighter, predator, animal, hungry, starving ... the vampire's senses overloaded with information on the first mouthful. He managed a second mouthful before he realised that the alligator was hungrier than he was and what he was doing wasn't right.

A third mouthful and Duckula felt his teeth retract. He pushed back from the alligator and dived down into the water again. He swam up to the surface between the four and looked at them all.  
>"Ouch, he bit me!"<br>"Lunch isn't supposed to bite back, you know."

"I'm sorry you're having trouble finding food." Duckula responded, "But I'm not lunch, I'm a vampire."  
>"Cateruff is helping us. He's feeding his whole boat of people to us."<br>Duckula snarled at them. "Cateruff is using you to do his sociopathic bidding." He paused. "Actually I think I can help you guys out." He hesitated, "Honestly, I know you're hungry but could you guys really eat a whole river cruise boat of people?"  
>The alligators looked at each other. "Not all at once."<br>"What about ..." Duckula frowned and gulped, looking for the fairest option, "One plump and juicy one?"  
>"We'd chip a fang on that Nanny of yours."<br>Duckula chuckled, "Heh, yeah, so you would! She is pretty inedible." He finished chuckling and cleared his throat. "I mean, how tasty do you suppose Cateruff would be?" Duckula crooned, inventing his words from his myriad of discussions with Igor. "How deliciously evil and yum, so wicked." He licked his beak. "Best the bayou has to offer." Duckula grinned at them. "He's surely the finest dining on the Mississippi; a ship's captain."  
>The alligators smiled back at him, licking their chops as well.<p>

"Master!" Duckula heard Igor's voice calling out in alarm from back on board the ship.  
>"I'll let you guys think about it." Duckula smiled smugly at them and swam back to the boat.<p>

* * *

><p>Igor grabbed the life saving ring as the captain walked past him.<br>"I wouldn't bother, the alligators have him."  
>Not to be discouraged, Igor ran to the back of the boat looking for his master in the water. "Master!" He called out desperately. After several moments, Count Duckula appeared in his sights and he breathed in relief as he tossed out the ring.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Speak to me of love<em>  
><em>Tell me those tender things again"<em>  
><em>"Your beautiful speech<em>  
><em>My heart is not tired of hearing it<em>  
><em>Provided that you will always<em>  
><em>Repeat these supreme words<em>  
><em>I love you"<em>

* * *

><p>Duckula heard singing as he got back onto the boat. It was so beautiful he couldn't care that he was dripping wet.<p>

Igor expressed his relief. "Milord! Are you alright?"  
>"I'm fine, Igor, thank you." The Count said as he wrung out his cape. "I've had an interesting conversation with a couple of starving alligators." Duckula announced grimly.<br>"I'm glad you're alright."  
>"I almost wasn't." Duckula turned away from him. "But then we got talking ... it's the captain, he's gone raving mad. We have to head him off; come on." Duckula rushed through the ship and up the stairs to the service deck.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"You know well that underneath it all<em>  
><em>I don't believe any of it<em>  
><em>But meanwhile I want to still hear those words<em>  
><em>That I adore"<em>


	15. Mississippi Madness Part Five

MISSISSIPPI MADNESS PART FIVE

* * *

><p>"Mr. Silt." Duckula spotted the first mate up in the corridor as he and Igor headed towards the captain's cabin.<br>"Don't look at me!" Silt whimpered. "It's the captain that's gone mad. He drove the ship onto the bank."  
>"Not gone: he was there before we started this little trip." Duckula knocked on the cabin door. "Captain!"<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Parlez moi d'amour<em>  
><em>Redites-moi des choses tenders<em>  
><em>Votre beau discours<em>  
><em>Mon coeur n'est pas las de l'entendre<em>  
><em>Pourvu que toujours<em>  
><em>Vous repetiez ces mots supremes<em>  
><em>Je vous aime"<em>

* * *

><p>The door opened.<br>"Oh, that's good news." Duckula remarked. "I had thought I'd have to go fetch Nanny to come break it. Where is Nanny anyway?" He asked Igor.  
>"I suspect, Milord; that she's in the lounge with the other guests listening to Miss Artisia sing."<br>"You! I knew you'd be no good." Cateruff snarled.  
>"I object; I haven't done anything!" Duckula complained. "Apart from getting thrown overboard; and that wasn't really my fault."<br>"What's that horrid noise down there then?"  
>"That, we artisans and romantics like to call 'music'." Duckula frowned.<br>"Is that what it is?" Cataruff snorted. "Cat getting strangled, more like."

* * *

><p><em>"Your voice with its caressing sounds<em>  
><em>That murmurs in trembling<em>  
><em>Rocks me with its beautiful story<em>  
><em>And in spite of myself I want to believe it"<em>

* * *

><p>"I think it's really nice." Duckula rejected his opinion.<p>

Refraining from making an unnecessary comment, the not-musically-inclined Igor stepped into the bridge room behind his master and regarded the alligators that were climbing in from the tree branch outside and through the window.

"Mr. Cataruff, there are four alligators in your cabin."  
>"Yep, that's right. Charge, gang; time for that dinner I promised you."<p>

The alligators didn't move and instead just stayed, staring at Count Duckula. Igor looked back at his master as well. Duckula had his arms quietly crossed and water was dripping onto the decking around him.

* * *

><p><em>"Speak to me of love<em>  
><em>Tell me those tender things again"<em>  
><em>"Your beautiful speech<em>  
><em>My heart is not tired of hearing it<em>  
><em>Provided that you will always<em>  
><em>Repeat these supreme words<em>  
><em>I love you"<em>

* * *

><p>"Hello, Algerta. Torba. Chaise and Georgina, of course." Count Duckula greeted them pleasantly. "You're looking for that dinner you've been promised, am I right?" Duckula turned. "Come on, Igor. Let's not interfere with Cataruff's just desserts."<br>"Very good, Milord." Igor frowned and stepped back out of the room after his master, not really comprehending what was going on at this moment.  
>"What?" Cataruff's voice was tense. "Come on, gang, get after him! We had an-."<p>

Duckula shut the door behind Igor. In amidst the blood-curdling scream that issued from the closed room the vocal strains wafting up from downstairs seemed just a tad inappropriate.

* * *

><p><em>"Parlez moi d'amour<em>  
><em>Redites-moi des choses tenders<em>  
><em>Votre beau discours<em>  
><em>Mon coeur n'est pas las de l'entendre<em>  
><em>Pourvu que toujours<em>  
><em>Vous repetiez ces mots supremes<em>  
><em>Je vous aime"<em>

* * *

><p>"Yikes!" Silt squawked. He tried to reach between Duckula and Igor for the door handle. "The captain!"<p>

"You're the new captain, Mr. Silt." Duckula held him off and then patted Silt's shoulder as he slumped in defeat. "Igor, if you don't mind, I think the captain's cabin may need a swab. Since I'm already wet I'll go check there isn't a hull breach and try and get the boat dislodged from the bank."

* * *

><p><em>"Sorrow is quickly quieted<em>  
><em>And consoled from a kiss<em>  
><em>From the heart<em>  
><em>Wounds are healed by reassuring words"<em>

* * *

><p>"Yes sir!" Igor answered cheerily. "You may need some help to push it, sir. Nanny can ..."<br>"I think I can manage, Igor. Getting Nanny out to push is well and good, but getting her back on the boat is a matter you know very well is one to avoid." Duckula replied offhandedly. "Mr. Silt, if you could please find me a rope ladder so I can get back on board."  
>"Yes sir." Mr. Silt and Duckula went off and Igor went to the closet to fetch the bucket.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Speak to me of love<em>  
><em>Tell me those tender things again"<em>  
><em>"Your beautiful speech<em>  
><em>My heart is not tired of hearing it<em>  
><em>Provided that you will always<em>  
><em>Repeat these supreme words<em>  
><em>I love you"<em>

* * *

><p>From down below, the haunting voice faded away and the dreamy lilting music exchanged to a lively Dixie tune.<p>

Igor opened the door to the control room, bucket of steaming water and mop in hand. "Oh, I'm sorry." He surveyed the remaining alligator. "I should've asked if you were done, ma'am."  
>The alligator burped lazily at him and then climbed out of the window. Igor set the bucket onto the floor and began mopping.<p>

* * *

><p>Igor was halfway across the floor and it didn't look so grimly multi-coloured. This was the sort of thing he was used to but the alligators was a new twist. He wondered if it was because of the strange social bent that this incarnation of his master had that saw him befriending members of other predator species.<p>

The boat suddenly lurched backwards, making him grab the ship's wheel to stay upright.

"How'd he do that?" Mr. Silt came into the room in a hurry, holding a bundled up rope ladder in his arms. Then he saw the colour of the slopping contents of the bucket. "Oh, oh dear." Green in the face the acting captain dropped the rope ladder and ran out of the room again in a hurry.

Igor shook his head, also used to being around people with queasy stomachs. He picked up the dropped ladder and hung it over the window ledge for his master.

He considered the situation to himself and turned back to finish the last bit of mopping. "There is a positive note to this outcome."  
>"What's that, Igor?" Duckula said, dropping in through the window.<p>

Igor eyed his mud covered master. "In your father's day ..."  
>"Huh? Father's day? Is it September already? Darn, I lose track of these months, I could've sworn it was only July."<br>"It is July, sir. July 2014."  
>"Two thousand drachmas for what?"<br>"No, the year, milord is 2014."  
>"But that'd make me ... forty four. I don't feel that old."<br>"I should think not, sir." Igor sighed. "In actual fact you're three hundred and seventy four. Or eight hundred and forty four depending on how you look at the situation."  
>"I honestly don't know what you're going on about, Igor."<p>

"Milord." Igor frowned and continued. "Your father and his alligators, that is to say had he found any alligators at all, together would've devoured the entire crew and the guests ... and then we would've driven the boat back ourselves."  
>"Unfortunately for my cape this is the only way I could do it, Igor. Nanny's going to give me a good sounding for it, I'm sure." Duckula remarked, wiggling his finger in his ear. "The roots that were causing the problem were right underneath the boat. Good news for all of us it was just a few scratches. I'd better explain the situation to everybody down below."<p>

"Explain?" Igor grabbed the bucket and stepped across the room. He tossed the contents quickly out the window before Silt came back. "Sir, how can we explain the events of this evening to anyone?" Igor turned and noticed that mud indeed covered his master from head to foot. Apart from Duckula's shape, he was nearly unrecognisable. "Sir, are you feeling alright?"

"No, I'm not hearing alright!" Duckula snapped in exasperation, "I keep telling you I've got Mississippi mud caked over my ear slits. Come on."

* * *

><p>They got down the stairs and the trumpet squealed to a stop.<p>

"Forgive my interruption." Duckula cleared his throat, feeling thoroughly embarrassed. "If you haven't noticed, the boat is now dislodged from the tree roots on the embankment and is now floating freely." He stated as an explanation for his muddy look. "We've had an unfortunate situation occur while the boat was stuck ashore. I know you all understand the perils of being ashore in alligator infested waters. Captain Cataruff is no longer with us, however!"

There were fearful cries and exclamations across the room.

Duckula waited while the frantic people calmed down again. "However the remaining crew and guests are safe. Mr. Silt is now the captain and is very capable of his duties. I have every confidence that the rest of us will get back to New Orleans alive and well. Now, please relax and we can all take a moment before continuing on our way."  
>Duckula nodded to them all and headed out the back door onto the entertainment deck.<p>

* * *

><p>Complete silence in the room followed his speech and Emily realised she was free of the pushy musicians or at least for a while. She followed Duckula to the back of the entertainment deck where he'd fallen overboard earlier. He turned his head to the side, knocking out mud from his ear over the side of the boat.<p>

"I'm sorry, Ducky." Emily apologised quietly. "I thought Mr. Silt was going to help you."

* * *

><p>"You'll have to speak up." Duckula advised.<br>"I said 'I thought Mr. Silt was going to help you'!" Emily quacked at him.  
>"Oh. Well, that's an honest mistake." Irritated at the unequal pressure, Duckula turned away from her, knocking the mud from his other ear. He sighed in relief. "That's better. I must be unpracticed; we ducks aren't meant to have these problems. Well, I guess ducks don't normally tunnel through half a metre of silt and mud ..."<p>

The engine started up again and there was a cheer from inside as the boat started on course back to New Orleans. Duckula stared at the wheel as it began to churn the water again. He had no idea how such a simple thing as a water wheel could fascinate him so much.

"What is that smell on you?"  
>"That's the Mississippi, Emily." Duckula grimaced. "I'll have to wait to get back to the castle to have a shower."<br>She stepped up beside him. "I kind of like it." With a large handkerchief, Emily wiped the mud from his beak. "You look like The Swamp Thing." She giggled. "You gave everyone quite a scare in there."  
>"You never know; we could've switched out there."<br>"Oh, it's you for sure, Ducky."

"Why'd you pick that song, Emily?"  
>"Because I can't sing but I had to do something." She smirked at him. "The slow beat and simple tune is a good medium for blanket hypnosis."<br>"You can't sing? Who told you that?"  
>"It's a fact." She shrugged. "I use my voice as a weapon when I'm being stiffed on tips. I start singing and people throw my dinner directly at me. All the tomato and lettuce I want. Dinner rolls. Knives and forks. One time I even got garnish when someone threw their pot of parsley down at me." She giggled. "When life hands me a lemon I start singing. Soon enough I'll have an entire fruit salad."<br>"But I think you have a lovely singing voice!"  
>"Sure it wasn't the blanket hypnosis?" She smiled softly at him.<br>"I wasn't in the room for that." He answered.

Duckula risked leaning in towards her again, this time putting his hand on the railing. "That explains why the guests didn't hear Cateruff scream. Come to think of it they wouldn't have noticed a gang of alligators sinking their teeth into them either."  
>"I love the way you say teeth." Emily gazed at him.<p>

"Oh!" She gasped, her eyes opening wider in realisation. "What have you been eating? That's what I can smell on you; it's not the mud at all."  
>"I-uh-well, there were these alligators, and-."<br>"Oh, oh, alligator blood! Haven't they got tough hides? What a wicked bite you must have oh-my!" She'd suddenly planted her beak on his.

For a moment, Duckula was in shock at her forwardness and then in the next moment he'd grasped her and pulled her bodily closer.

The fast music changed to a slower waltz and the pair broke apart.  
>"Can you dance, Mademoiselle Artisia?" He bowed, holding out his hand for her.<br>"It is in my repertoire, monsieur le Count." She took his hand. "I shall follow yourh leed."

* * *

><p><strong>And so we end as we began, with strains of music drifting eerily across a harsh and forbidding landscape. Goodnight out there, whatever you are.<strong>


	16. Forgetting

****Beware, dear reader, for another ghastly plot is heading towards another ghastly end.****

* * *

><p>THE NEARLY FULL MOON<p>

* * *

><p><strong>"Hey, Svetislav, all zis travelling reminds me."<br>****"It does, Dmitiri? Und what does it remind you of?"  
><strong>

**"... Vhat does vhat remind me of?"  
><strong>**"Oh, Dmitri, Dmitri."**

**"... Who is this Dmitri you are speaking of?"  
><strong>**"Come inside, you silly old bat."**

* * *

><p>The road back to Doctor von Goosewing's laboratory in Transylvania seemed longer than usual, especially when they could only drive at night and had to stop for shelter when sunrise drew near. Tonight, as Goosewing sat in the passenger seat, he couldn't ignore the cramp in his tired bones from all the sitting. Worse still a niggling feeling played at the back of his mind. The feeling that maybe there was something he was forgetting.<p>

"Vhat is it that is bothering you so much, Docktor won Gooseving?"  
>Goosewing glanced in surprise at Claudette as she drove the car onwards through the countryside of Transylvania. "Und vhy do you zink zhat, my dear?" He asked.<br>"You have been wery qviet all night. Even unsettled."  
>"Ach, ja." Goosewing admitted. "I cannot qvite remember vhat it is zhat I am forgetting." He scratched his head.<p>

"Vell perhaps vhen ve are to your mountain laboratory getting, zhen your memory you are also recovering, Docktor." Claudette theorized.  
>Goosewing relaxed. "Zat is true; I usually am remembering vhen I am getting vhere I am going, ja."<p>

"Aber ..." Goosewing glanced at his watch. "Surely ve vill get to my laboratory before dawn?"  
>"Ach, ja." Claudette put her foot down a bit harder on the accelerator. "Ve shall get zhere viz plenty of time."<br>"Ach, nein!" Goosewing covered his eyes as the scenery took in a faster speed to meet him and the dirt road wrecked havoc on the car's suspension, bouncing around the hairpin corner and reminding him all the more of his aching bones. "Me und mein big beak!"

* * *

><p>"Wow, look at zhat cute little village down zhere." Claudette remarked. "Hardly anybody living zhere at all. Zhey probably don't get out much."<p>

"Castle Duckula! She is wanished." Goosewing stared at the empty hill in the far distance, "So the wampire valks abroad."  
>"Just as vell." Claudette sniffed, "I think zhere's enough wampires on our tail as it is."<br>"He vill return." Goosewing advised her. "He always does."

"I haff not studied any wampire like Count Duckula. Vhat is he like?"  
>"He is hundreds of years old." Goosewing advised, "His manservant, Igor, is the cleverest und most vicked willain I have ever encountered. It is he zhat thwarts my every plan to wanquish ze count, ja."<br>"Wow." Claudette breathed. "To zhink you have escaped viz your life."

"Nein," Goosewing gritted. "It is I zhat shall get zhem."  
>"Och, ja, zorry." Claudette gritted, "Just, you know, wampires. Zhey get unter your zkin. It is not a pleasant experience to be followed by a wampire, Docktor."<br>"Ach, still you are vorrying, my dear." Goosewing shook his head with a smile. "You see; I have courage, honour und rectitude on my side." Goosewing watched the glorious Transylvanian peaks showing up against the night sky. Behind the gathering clouds, the light of the moon was strong enough to make the sky glow. "Good vill alvays triumph in ze end."

"Good alvays vins, huh?" Claudette murmured.  
>"Ja, das ist so."<br>"Docktor, I must somezing be telling you ..."  
>Goosewing looked at Claudette. "Ja?"<br>"You ... I ..." She glanced at him before returning her gaze to the road. "You do not look too vell. You look wery grey."

Goosewing rubbed his aching knees and sighed. "It is ze same zhing as vhy ve are not killing each other all zis vhile, ja?"  
>"Vhat is?"<br>"Vhat is vhat?" Goosewing blinked.

"Docktor von Gooseving you are far from feeling alright it zeems to me. For a moment zhere ... nein, zhere is no such zhing. I am imagining zhings."  
>"It is just zhe damp." Goosewing stretched his aching legs in the confines of the passenger seat. "I am not as young as I used to be, Docktor."<p>

* * *

><p>The last stretch of road to his laboratory gave Goosewing a great sense of relief. Possibly because it was a straight road through the Really Creepy Forest. Or possibly because it had grown heavily overcast.<p>

"Zhere is somebody here!" Claudette exclaimed, pulling the car up beside the other car at the entrance to Goosewing's cave "Vell, he is not a wampire. Who could it be; your wisitor, Docktor?"  
>"That I am not knowing." Goosewing shrugged, "Ve must inwestigate."<p>

A crack of thunder and lightening lit up the landscape. The sky had darkened and the thunderstorm would reach them soon.  
>"Wow." Claudette stated again. "Ve are so far away from ze people it is not amusing. I vill vait here."<p>

* * *

><p>Goosewing felt something of relief as he stumbled from the car into the cave. He wandered around his equipment with all his joints aching. Overhead thunder clapped in the sky and the drizzling Transylvanian rain began. It was calming and soft upon the foliage of the Really Creepy Forest outside and the two cars. The dawn would barely make its presence known when it came.<p>

"So long as it keeps raining it will be okay ..." Goosewing wandered further away from the entrance. It would be daylight soon. Technically the Transylvanian clouds were so heavy and thick that Claudette was safe in weather like this. The clouds hid the sun as equally as they hid the moon. The moon.

"Hello?" Goosewing's felt the aching in his bones suddenly quite keenly and paused in his travel to the door to stretch his back. "Who iz zhere?"  
>"Docktor von Gooseving?" A mature male voice called out.<br>"No, zhat is me." Goosewing rubbed the back of his neck. He ached there too.

"Nein, I am von Ganderak."  
>"Vhat a zurprise." Goosewing exclaimed, and reached out to shake the man's hand but instead the nerves pinged in his arm and halted his motion. "Ach!" He grumbled, "Zorry. It is ze damp." He muttered and headed for the umbrella stand. "I am not as young as I used to be." He grabbed his walking stick and leant on it. "Ach, zhat ist much better." Goosewing tottered over to a nearby stool and gestured to a spare stool for Ganderak. "So, mein friend, vhat brings you to zis neck of ze voods?"<p>

Ganderak sat down on the stool and frowned at the lab around them. "You are never one for comforts, von Gooseving. Have you not zhought maybe you should retire? You rely so heavily on your staff. Zhe wampire vill run rings around you."  
>"Zhe wampire relies heavily on his staff." Goosewing mused. "He runs and hides behind zhem."<p>

"Vhat are you talking about?"

"Ach, das ist ein blank." Goosewing rubbed his head. "I am nicht zhinking sehr vell today. How am I helping, Mister ...?"  
>"I am von Ganderak."<p>

* * *

><p>Ganderak boiled the kettle and shortly he handed Goosewing a hot cup of tea. "Here."<br>"Zhank you."

"Docktor von Goosewing, you are the greatest wampire hunter in zhe vorld. I need your assistance."  
>Goosewing looked tiredly at Ganderak. "I am not vell today, Ganderak. Give me your address and I shall wisit you vhen recovering am I."<p>

"No, Docktor, please!" Ganderak pleaded, "the wampire I seek is here!"  
>"Here?" Goosewing snapped alert. "You don't mean ..."<br>"Sie ist Emily Artisia."  
>"You mean ... you are ein wampire hunter?"<br>"Ja!" Ganderak emphasised. "Und I need your help! I have all your gadgets been buying but ... Ze wampire sie is too cunning!"

"She?" Goosewing repeated raising an eyebrow, "okay, so. Vhat ist sie like?"  
>"She is a harlequin! A trickster, a chameleon!"<br>"Und sie ist here?"  
>"Up zhere at Castle Duckula!" Ganderak gestured wildly and Goosewing squawked. "Sie ist in the company of Count Duckula!"<br>"Stop saying zhat!" Goosewing blanched. "Do not say his name out loud!"

"Count Duckula?"  
>"Nein stop!" Goosewing jumped off his chair and the bones in his spine crackled, making him double over in a shout of pain. "Ach!"<br>"Was ist los?" Ganderak grabbed his arm to steady him. "You are not vell, Docktor, you are looking wery grey."  
>"Ja, I know. It is all ze travelling I am doing, ja. I shall be fine." Goosewing gritted with the feeling of his joints on fire. "I just need to rest."<p>

"Docktor, please help me. I have been hunting her for months, every time sie escapes and becomes someone new. A lion tamer, a busker, a post impressionist."  
>"A vhat?"<br>"She has even posed as a Neuvoriche!" Ganderak added. "I shall help you to bed. It is morning. Some rest and hopefully you vill feel better for tonight. You are zhe greatest wampire hunter in zhe vorld."

"Ach. I can look after meinself." Goosewing grunted, brushing the other vampire hunter off. He was very weary from the long journey but von Ganderak was treating him like he was an old goose. "Ja I vill help you, Von Ganderak," he sighed, his eyes were too heavy to keep open. "I vill help you, but only for so long as it is raining. After zhat you vill be on your own." He went to the inner cave where his bed was set up and climbed into the cot.

"Raining?" He heard Ganderak asking from behind but Goosewing's bed was too comfortable and he fell asleep before finding the answer to the question.


	17. At the Bottom of the Garden

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN

* * *

><p>The rain beat down heavy all through the day as the vampires slept in their ... beds. Igor pondered these modern adjustments as he polished the collection of empty coffins downstairs.<p>

Miss Artisia had a knack for entertaining the Count. It seemed likely that with Emily's unknowing assistance Igor could sneak out tonight and visit the Really Creepy Forest to gather herbs for his craft. Igor finished polishing and went to collect a fresh bottle of blood from the cool rack. He looked at it. The last bottle he'd brought up to the kitchen had emptied overnight. It held promise. Perhaps the young woman would be the one to steer the master back into his old ways.

Igor headed up to the kitchen and slotted the bottle into the fridge door.

* * *

><p>"Igor?" The master's voice came sleepily from the doorway.<br>Igor turned, "Yes, Milord?"  
>"Do we have a werewolf?" The count hid a yawn.<br>"No, Milord. Perish the thought, Milord." Igor lied blatantly and stepped away from the fridge.  
>Duckula sighed and headed through the kitchen. "Boy you are a real rotten liar, Igor." He pulled open the fridge and pulled out the broccoli. "It's really hard to forget Towser when he keeps borrowing the cheese grater, you know."<p>

"A broccoli sandwich, sir?"  
>"I just want a snack, Igor."<br>"I could think of something better that you could snack on, sir." Igor harrumphed. "Shall I fetch the bread?"  
>"Thanks, Igor."<p>

Igor went to the counter across the room and brought back the loaf of bread. He put it on the table next to the broccoli and the master's plate. "Milord, why do you ask about Towser?"  
>"Haven't you noticed, Igor? It'll be a full moon tonight." Duckula shrugged as he constructed his sandwich, "And he's going to be howling to be let out like he usually does on a full moon."<p>

Duckula bit into his broccoli filled sandwich.  
>"Did you perhaps want to let him out tonight?" Igor smirked at the wicked thought.<br>Duckula swallowed. "I don't think it's fair to keep him locked up all the time."  
>"Of course not, sir." Igor said happily, "Werewolf hunting season is not for another full moon. Why, I could take him for a walk tonight, with Milord's permission of course. The weather forecast on the radio predicts that the rain will clear up tonight."<p>

Duckula swallowed another mouthful, "I didn't realise there was such a thing as 'werewolf hunting season'!" He stared wide-eyed at Igor.  
>"Oh, yes, sir." Igor responded solemnly, "that's why we try to keep Towser indoors as much as possible. We don't want him getting hurt."<br>"Oh, very well, Igor, have it your own way. You clearly know what you're doing." Duckula took another bite of his sandwich and headed out of the kitchen. "I'll be in the library. I want to read up on lycanthropy."

Igor watched his master disappear round the corner and heard him treading up the stairs. "Why would the master suddenly take an interest in...?" Igor suddenly realised, as he put the broccoli back in the fridge, "It's the full moon tonight. Von Goosewing's delta waves will already have started changing last night." He picked up the remaining bread loaf and did up the top of the packet. "From a vampire hunter to a werewolf."

Igor started to chuckle. "This explains the alligators quite sufficiently. I did wonder."

* * *

><p>"What's so funny?" Emily Artisia's voice sounded from the door. "What's up with the bread? Oh, smells fresh!"<p>

"Uh ..." Igor quickly recovered his dignity. "It's a full moon tonight."  
>"So?" Emily went to the fridge and began searching the contents. "Bread, bread, what goes with bread? Ducky's been acting weird too. Is there some sort of full moon party you country dwellers have?"<p>

Igor put the bread back on the table. "Perhaps broccoli, Miss Artisia ma'am? It is high in vitamin C and B6, so they say."  
>"Hmm." Emily consulted the remains of the broccoli. "Putting a member of the cabbage family on bread?" She considered, "Well, why not? I've tried everything else on bread."<br>Igor stepped aside and watched Emily making a repeat of his master's snack. "To answer your question, Miss Artisia, when the moon is full the werewolves come out."  
>"Werewolves? You mean like how the people that were bitten last month by a werewolf turn into a werewolf this month?" Emily took a mouthful of her sandwich.<p>

"Any person, who was ever bitten by a werewolf but managed to somehow survive the totality of the attack, turns into a werewolf every month thereafter on the full moon." Igor clarified. "Mostly werewolves just eat their victims, however."

Emily finished off her sandwich very quickly and licked her beak. "I've been with my aunt to a couple parties like that. I mean, except for the 'werewolf' part that is."  
>"Your Aunt sounds like a very lively woman." Igor commented politely.<br>"She is." Emily smiled at him. "I've never been to a werewolf party. It sounds like fun. That was a nice sandwich. Kind of crunchy. Where's Ducky?"  
>"In the library, as I believe he said he was heading there earlier."<br>"Thank you, Igor." Emily turned away from him and headed out of the kitchen.

Igor turned back to the depleted loaf of bread and again did up the top. "A werewolf party," he smirked, "Inside my master's head."


	18. Vampire Party

VAMPIRE PARTY

* * *

><p>The front wall knocked.<br>"I'll get it!" Nanny's voice came from afar.

"Get what, Nanny?" Duckula yelled, "You broke the last one on Friday night! Oh, what's the use?" Duckula rolled his eyes.  
>"Is she in the habit of breaking the front door, then?" Emily asked from her book.<br>"We go through doors like we go through weeks. Or should I say she goes through doors?" Duckula answered.

"Did you know only alpha werewolves can resist the effects of the full moon on the first of the three nights?"  
>"No." He answered serenely, "What is an alpha werewolf?"<p>

"It's a Mister Vander Smarts for you, sir!" Nanny's voice sang out.

"That doesn't sound like 'von Ganderak'." Emily said in relief.  
>"Oh." Duckula was also glad that it wasn't Ganderak, "Well, that's alri-who did she say?" Duckula was curious.<br>"Mister Vander Smarts." Emily repeated, "I've never heard of anyone by that name … although Nanny's translations do seem to get a little bit garbled."  
>"A truer word has never been spoken," Duckula jested, "But anyway, if it isn't your vampire hunter and it isn't mine then that's good news. Come on, Emily, let's go meet them!" He resolved cheerily and they headed downstairs.<p>

* * *

><p>A tall crane dressed in a black business suit bowed to Count Duckula. His four attendants bowed as well. They had a woman swan with them and she was as white as a bleached sheet.<p>

Duckula had a bad feeling about the crane's snigger. It didn't make him look too friendly with the way it made his fangs stand out.

"Count Duckula, it is an honour your lordship. I am Baron Klaus van der Schwartz from Berne."  
>"Klaus van der Schwartz!" Emily gaped.<p>

"Uh, Emily," Count Duckula turned quietly aside to her, "Do you know these vampires?" He cast a sideways look at Klaus Van der Schwartz.  
>"Yea-no, that is to say ... everybody ... every vampire knows 'of' Klaus van der Schwartz of Switzerland. Unless, I mean unless you haven't been there."<br>"Not ... a personal acquaintance of yours then I take it?"  
>"No."<br>"Oh, good," Duckula answered happily, thinking about Towser and how hungry he was, "So how do you know of him?"  
>"He's the vampire baron of Switzerland."<br>"Oh, he's as much as all that, really?" Duckula replied blandly without really caring.

Duckula introduced her. "Klaus van der Schwartz, may I introduce my other guest, Miss Emily Artisia."

The baron stepped in through the doorway and grasped Emily's hand. "Delighted to make your acquaintance Frauline ... Artisia, is it not?"  
>"Thank you very much." Emily jerked in his grip. "I seem to have gotten attached to your hand. Kindly remove it or I'll remove it from you."<br>"Oh, such spirit." Schwartz laughed and let go of her. "Count, I and my associates have flown a long way to see you."  
>"Oh, really?" Duckula eyed him and gulped. That, he supposed would no doubt make them hungry. "Nanny, won't you get Igor to fetch something up from the cellar for our guests." Count Duckula inwardly cringed, "We can't have them going thirsty."<p>

"Very good, Milord," Nanny intoned. She then left to find Igor.

Duckula bowed to Schwartz, "perhaps if you'd care to join us in the drawing room."  
>"Thank you, dear Count, you are most hospitable." The baron turned, "come along, Claudette, we've been invited in." He turned. "Count Duckula, may I introduce Doctor Claudette Swansonn, psychologist to the vampire heads of Europe."<p>

Count Duckula eyed the pale frightened face of the woman. "Delighted I'm sure." He stated politely.

* * *

><p>They'd gotten to the drawing room and Klaus van der Schwartz instantly took to investigating the books Duckula and Emily had been reading.<br>"Lycanthrope for beginners?" Schwartz laughed, "Count, you do amaze me of how superstitious you are."

Duckula chuckled nervously and gently closed the book on the baron's view. "It is the full moon tonight, baron, although the clouds might be hiding that fact right this moment. We 'country folk' do like to get into the spirit of things."  
>"Ah, yes." the baron laughed again.<p>

"I have been on this planet for some few years and I can assure you that I have never encountered such a thing as a werewolf. Witches yes, I grant you that much but not ..." he cleared his throat "... werewolves."  
>"No, of course not, and even if there were werewolves," Duckula put the book on top of the stack on his reading table, "we certainly don't have them here in Transylvania."<p>

Duckula glanced towards the door. "Igor will be coming shortly ... he's not as young as he used to be ... so what brings you to the country, baron; more the point to my ancestral home?"  
>"Actually, your lordship, it was in fact the good doctor that pressed our arrival." Schwartz bowed. "You couldn't believe how much trouble this one little vampire has given me. And now, just to make matters worse she's been telling all sorts of lies ..." Schwartz started laughing again. "Get this. She thinks she's a vegetarian!" He pointed at Claudette and laughed even harder.<p>

"Whoever heard of a vegetarian vampire?" The baron recovered from his fit of laughing.  
>"Yes, of course." Duckula chuckled nervously, "Whoever heard indeed?"<p>

"She's rather a trifle confused and I'm sure the atrocious company she's been keeping presently hasn't helped." Schwartz suddenly snarled.

* * *

><p>Igor came in with a tray, glasses and a bottle of blood. Schwartz snatched a glass and gulped it down.<p>

When Igor came around to him with the tray Duckula plainly refused. "What sort of company has she been in, baron?"  
>"Doctor von Goosewing, allegedly the 'greatest' vampire hunter in the world."<br>"I doubt von Goosewing would be responsible for convincing her that she's a vegetarian." Duckula stated calm in the face of fact. "Not by any stretch of the imagination. No, it's safe to say she was like this when he found her." Duckula paused, "And anyway Goosewing's probably just as confused as you about her."

"You don't drink?" Schwartz asked in surprised with his fingers around his empty glass. "They'd said you'd gone toothless in your old age, count."  
>"Oh 'they' did, did 'they'?" Count Duckula puzzled, "Funny, I wonder who 'they' were?" Thinking about the myriad number of people he'd met in the past twenty nine years.<p>

"You know word gets around the community about these things." Schwartz put the glass back on Igor's tray.  
>"I just prefer it not so cold." Duckula answered weakly.<br>"Oh, come on, admit it. You've seen the turn of eight centuries. What you are is just old and tired." Schwartz mused. "Don't tell me ... you're actually repentant?" Schwartz groaned. "I don't believe it. Old, decrepit and repentant."  
>"Now wait a second; I am n-not decrepit!" Duckula fumed.<br>"Oh, yeah?" Schwartz snorted. "You're a great match for Claudette the vegetarian vampire here."

Duckula saw Claudette cringe, stuck between the silent flunky vampires and felt very sorry for her. He mentally pulled back from the ridiculous argument, thinking again back to Towser.

"Pleading vegetarian; No, no, no, I can't, I can't, I can't sob, sob, sob!"

Ducklua turned away and went to look out the window at the storm. The rain was clearing.

"It's truly unbelievable." Schwartz was still going on. "I've been told the old ones do go a bit funny in the head. What do you make of all this mess, Frauline Artisia?"  
>Emily politely cleared her throat. "Forgive me, Baron van der Schwartz, but you've been a vampire for how long exactly?"<br>"I was bitten about seventy three years ago."  
>"Which would make you say what; a hundred?"<p>

"And how old are you, Frauline Artisia?"  
>"Oh, I don't have a head for numbers. I just wonder what purpose is behind your attempts to goad his lordship and what reasoning have you for dragging Claudette about like this. She clearly isn't too fond of your company. I rather think she wants to be elsewhere."<p>

Duckula snorted, seeing the ridiculous side as Emily observed it. Doctor Von Goosewing was right and these vampires were simple monsters.

"Ah, yes. My plan is this. Since she is so fond of Doctor von Goosewing, I will have her bite him and turn him into a vampire. The cure is simplicity itself."  
>"But she can't do that!" Duckula exclaimed, spinning around.<br>"Why not?" Schwartz asked.  
>"Because he ... she ... we ... they ... didn't she already say that she can't?" Duckula flailed to find a way to explain to a person who didn't believe in werewolves, "uh, that is ... um, Emily?"<p>

"How about she bites von Ganderak instead of von Goosewing, baron?"  
>"Emily! That is not what I meant!" Duckula gaped in horror at her.<br>"But she is fond of Goosewing. It's hardly as traumatic, Frauline." The baron retorted. He looked over at Duckula. "Anyone might think you were also fond of von Goosewing, count."  
>Duckula searched desperately for an answer to that.<p>

"Forgive me for interrupting, milord."

"Yes, please do, Igor." Duckula sighed in relief.  
>"I believe it would be sufficiently traumatic to prove the point if Claudette were to bite the other vampire hunter or anyone else for that matter."<br>"But I don't want to bite anyone!" Claudette exclaimed.  
>"She's not biting anyone!" Duckula yelled into the room.<p>

"This is my castle!"

* * *

><p>"Well, but it is somewhat out of your hands, count." Schwartz said in a conversational tone. "The two vampire hunters arrived early this morning and we spotted them heading up here as we flew over just now."<p>

Duckula gulped. He was out of time.  
>"Milord?" Igor asked.<br>"There's only one thing for it, Igor. Go out and meet them in the hall," he glanced around at all his vampire guests, "Of course anyone is too scared of a couple of crazy old coots to come along they can just stay safely out of the way up here."  
>"They're only mortal!" Schwartz snarled at his shaking associates. "You will all come!"<p>

He spun back around to Duckula, glaring. "I take your challenge, Duckula. If you can face them, then I certainly can."  
>"We-ll." Duckula smiled broadly back at the baron and his ego. "Come along, Emily, let's all go meet the greatest vampire hunter in the world and his friend, your enemy."<p>

"Sir, do you believe this is wise?"

"Wise, Igor? Of course it is. Mind you, I think the rain has stopped, so you can take Towser out for that walk now, don't you think, Igor?" Duckula smiled at Igor.  
>"Uh, yes sir?"<p>

Duckula turned to the baron. "After you, baron."

They headed out into the corridor and down to the great hall.


	19. Return of the

****The Return of the Case of the Vegetarian Vampire Meets Count Duckula's Werewolf, the Hunter and the Greatest Vampire in the World...****

* * *

><p>Mud went squelching underfoot as the two vampire hunters made their way up the uneven trail.<p>

All at once Von Ganderak grabbed Goosewing's arm and threatened to pull him over the ledge. "Ach, it's so slippery!"  
>Goosewing pulled him back onto the path. "Zhe trek to zhe home of zhe foul fiend is treacherous even on a good day. Zhey do not make it easy." He turned back to the path, "We are vasting time." Goosewing hurried onwards up the steep incline. "Follow me."<br>"You are wery fit." Ganderak fell in step behind him. "You seem to know exactly where to step."  
>"Practice I am having, ja."<p>

Goosewing eyed the pathway as he walked along. Water puddled in darker patches on the stones along the steep path up to Castle Duckula. He could make out every slippery spot, every pebble, every struggling patch of grass along his way.

"Zhere are better days that ve should be doingk zhis." Goosewing mentioned. Any day that it wasn't raining or when his bones weren't constantly complaining would a better day. But at least he was outside, enjoying the wind and the smell of the ground, the calls of the wild birds and the thrill of the chase.

* * *

><p>"So far so good." Ganderak eyed his vampirometer readings as at last they made it to the top. The gaping maw of the castle was waiting before them. "Ve have a whole wampire party upstairs it seems." He stated as they walked in through the busted open doorway.<p>

'Leave, run, run!' Goosewing paused for a moment on the threshold as a wordless urge to turn around shook his already questionable resolve. 'Escape, be free!'

"Zhere are ... six ... seven wampires." Von Ganderak was saying. "Ve had better set our beams to vide dispersal. Doctor? Do you agree?" Ganderak roused him.

It dawned on Goosewing that they were standing in the hall of Castle Duckula and it was past nightfall.

"Ach, ja, ja. Das ist a good idea you are having, ja." Goosewing grabbed his ray gun from his side to change the settings but his fingers locked up. His hands turned to fumbling paws, his grip failed and the gun clattered to the floor. His fingers shifted back.

Ganderak turned to him on the sound of the gun hitting the floor. "Vhat is zhe matter, Doctor?"  
>"I am before telling you!" Goosewing gritted in annoyance. "Ve need to vait a few days!"<br>"A few days and the wampires vill have escaped!" Ganderak snapped, "In a few days you vill only be older and more decrepit!"

"Decrepit! Did you hear that, Goosewing? How imperceptive of him." The voice of Count Duckula rose to greet them.

* * *

><p>"Ach, nein it is Count Duckula himself!" Goosewing stared in horror at what he was seeing. It was the count plus five vampires and ... "Claudette?"<p>

The woman who'd been his company for several nights tried to move forwards to him but one of the other vampires grabbed her back.

"Oh, no you don't, you little wench; I know what you're thinking."

"Unhand her!" Goosewing glared angrily at the vampire.  
>"Doctor, nein; sie ist a wampire, like all the others." Ganderak told him.<br>Goosewing turned angrily to Ganderak. "I said I vould protect her! She has information that ... ach!" The wordless urge for freedom covered him from head to foot now. He turned, looking to the broken front door, the light beaming in from the parting clouds. "Nein the clouds have gone! It is ... moonlight! We need to leave!"  
>"Moonlight?" Ganderak repeated, stepping back from Goosewing. "Are you telling me-."<p>

"I shall take that, thank you!"  
>"Achtung! Doctor, help!" The dark haired woman vampire was at Ganderak's side and it was the last thing Goosewing could understand before his mind clouded with a savage hunger and his muscles ached to run and give chase.<p>

Goosewing felt all his bones crackling at once, shifting under the light of the full moon. His vision tinted to grey.

'Freedom!' He howled.

* * *

><p>Duckula closed his eyes, the pure animal of the werewolf shouted unmistakeably in his mind. "Oh, no!" When he reopened his eyes his vision of Emily and Ganderak in her grip had gone a delicious vibrant red. "Emily, I ..."<p>

His fangs were tingling. Memories flooded Duckula's mind. They were glorious, revelling, tasty forbidden centuries-old memories of sweet and dainty things that Emily reminded him of. Duckula gasped and turned away from her, outraged to even catch a glimpse of such thoughts let alone having them in his own head. "Goosewing!" He glared hotly at the werewolf standing four-footed and confused amongst the onlooking crowd. "This is your doing! You fix this right now!" He bellowed.

In response, Goosewing flattened his ears and cringed with his tail between his legs. He let out a whimper.

To Duckula's right there was laughter again. "This is too much! Claudette, you're in love with a puppy dog."  
>"A pu-pu-puppy dog?" An incredulous Duckula spun around on Baron Klaus van der Schwartz and saw the vampire the count once used be, even as his stomach growled and the world glowed red. "You think that this is a pu-puppy dog?"<p>

"Ducky?"

Feeling the strain, Duckula turned back to see Emily and Ganderak. "What is it, my dear?" He smiled at her, stepping around Goosewing towards her.  
>Her fangs were out and she was trembling. "Can I eat him now? I'm starving."<br>Duckula bowed, "Since you caught him, be my guest." Duckula watched in his red-tinted vision as Emily gracefully inclined her head to bite her hunter.

As he watched all he could think was of what excellent form she had, how pretty she was and how much he wanted to sink his fangs into her lovely neck so he could taste her blood. He licked his beak.

Behind the count, he heard the unmistakeable sound of Towser's savage canine snarl. A vampire's shriek punctuated the air. It wasn't until he heard Goosewing's growl and the second scream that Duckula turned around from watching Emily feast.

* * *

><p>Duckula turned back to the baron's party. Three remaining vampires including the baron were wrestling with two werewolves and Claudette had curled up into a frightened ball between them. The count was starving and his fangs tingled for use.<p>

"I'll show you old and decrepit!" Duckula yanked the Baron backwards out of the fight with the werewolves and bit into him. Deliciously evil blood filled his mouth. It reminded him of other wonderful off the battlefield memories like the time he'd snacked his way through Napoleon's unsuspecting ranks. It was glorious.

Full at last, Duckula let go and Klaus Van der Schwartz sank to the floor. If he hadn't been a vampire he'd have been dead by now.

"Y-you bit me. Another vampire, you..." The vampire gazed whitely up at him. "The most feared vampire the world over."  
>Duckula's vision had at last returned to normal. "There's a reason for my title, you know, it's-."<br>"Now I have you right where I vant you, you willain!" Claudette fired Goosewing's ray gun at the fallen vampire. With a look of surprise on his face the baron disintegrated.

Claudette dropped the ray gun onto the baron's pile of dust and looked at Duckula. "That was scary. I was terrified."  
>"I know the feeling." Duckula assured her.<p>

Duckula went and petted Towser on the head. "Aw, who's a good boy then, huh?"

Towser enjoyed the attention and sat up on his hind legs to lick Duckula's face. Then the family pet yawned, stretched and sauntered leisurely off into the depths of the castle with a casual wag of his tail.

Duckula looked back at Emily with a smile. "Emily, my dear, I really must compliment you on your form." Duckula took her hand. "You do it really, very well."

* * *

><p>There was dust and more dust. The scene was horrific. Igor surveyed the great hall with a tremor of horror. When he'd taken Towser out of his den the werewolf had bolted and it had been impossible to tell which way the Duckula family's pet had gone. Evidently it'd been to the great hall to chew on ... vampires.<p>

"Milord?" He gasped, hurrying over to where the master stood with Emily facing away from him. "I am so frightfully sorry, milord!"

Claudette, the woman that had arrived with the other vampires, was kneeling on the ground beside the werewolf.

Igor stepped to the edge of the group. "Milord, I do apologise, Towser was ..." Igor blinked, not recognising the fur markings on the werewolf that Claudette was petting. "That's not Towser..."  
>"No, Igor, That's von Goosewing. I think Towser has taken himself back to bed to sleep off his dinner."<br>"Milord, those vampires are dust."  
>"Yes, so I noticed Igor." Duckula shrugged. "But it was filling while it lasted." He licked his beak, recalling the baron's taste.<br>"He is a wampire wanquisher." Claudette stated, bringing their attention back to her and the werewolf. "Vhat did you expect him to do?"

In response the werewolf lying at Claudette's side twisted his head up and licked her, his tail hitting the ground as it wagged.

"Well, this all just goes to prove," Emily suppressed a yawn as she stepped away from the dust piles, "What you don't believe in will only kill you quicker. That's enough excitement for one night, for me. Goodnight everyone."  
>"Goodnight, ma'am."<br>"Goodnight, Miss Artisia." Duckula responded and watched her smile at him before she drifted on up the stairs.

"Nanny!" Duckula called and waited for Nanny to come to his side.

* * *

><p>"Yes, milord?" Nanny shortly arrived.<br>"Could you please fix up a room for Doctor Swansonn and take her to the kitchen so she can get something to eat."  
>"Very good, milord."<br>"Thank you."

Duckula turned to Claudette. "There's plenty of juice and vegetables in the fridge so please do help yourself, Doctor. I don't know what you want to do with your life but any vegetarian vampire has a safe welcome at Castle Duckula anytime."  
>"You are a most gracious host, thank you." She turned to Goosewing on his four padded feet, "Come, Doctor."<br>"Come along, dear, Nanny will look after you."

* * *

><p>Alone together, Duckula turned to Igor, "You've never told me about Napoleon, Igor."<br>"It must have slipped my mind, milord. It was in the time of your great great grandfather. We spent years wreaking havoc on Napoleon's cause, we even crippled his forces at one glorious point outside of Acre."  
>"Now that does sound interesting, Igor." The young master licked his beak and leant in closer to Igor. His eyes gleamed with a healthy reddish tint and the tips of his fangs were visible. "Tell me more."<p>

Igor felt his heart soaring.

* * *

><p><strong>And so, dear reader, as the denizens of that dark Castle Duckula settle in for a new era in the world of vampire ducks, I bid you farewell. I hope you've had a ghastly time and enjoyed the ghastly results of this ghastly plot!<strong>

**Goodnight out there, whatever you are!**

* * *

><p><strong>THE END<strong>


End file.
